My new worst fear
reader diary by Chloe Angyal
May 11, 2009 - 6:35pm (Print)
Cross posted at Equal Writes
*Trigger warning*
I have
never been afraid of heights. I have never been afraid of dogs. I think
snakes are pretty cool. My worst fear, for as long as I can remember,
has been the fear of being raped.
For years, I have feared that one day, I would
be walking down the street at dusk or on my way home from dinner,
minding my own business, walking freely and without fear, and that
someone would grab me. And no matter of fighting or screaming would be
enough to stop him from violating me, from taking control of my body
out of my hands, from raping me.
That was my old worst fear. The scenario of
stranger rape, or “real rape,” as I’ve heard some people call it, still
terrifies me. But now there’s something else I fear even more.
I’m afraid that one night, after we’ve both had
a drink or two, a male friend, someone I’ve known for a while or have
flirted with in the past, makes an unrequited move on me. I rebuff him
and he doesn’t believe I mean it, or he believe I mean it but thinks he
can change my mind. I’m too drunk, or too tired, or too physically weak
to hold him off, and he forces himself on me and I can’t stop him. When
it’s over, I try to talk to him, to ask him why he would do such a
thing, and he tells me I’m overreacting.
But that’s not the worst part of it. The worst
part is that if I ever find the courage to tell people about it – the
police, my friends, society at large – I’ll probably be told by a whole
host of people that what happened to me doesn’t count as rape.
I had been drinking, so it doesn’t count.
He was my friend, so it doesn’t count.
I had flirted with him in the past, so it doesn’t count.
I was wearing that shirt, or skirt, or dress, so it doesn’t count.
I didn’t fight and scream and dig my nails into him in protest, so it doesn’t count.
If I talked to him afterward, it can’t have been that traumatic, so it doesn’t count.
We
live in a culture that refuses to take all but the most “obvious” of
rapes seriously. A culture that tells women, over and over again, that
what happened to them doesn’t count as rape. A culture that asks women what they did to bring on an attack like the one I described above.
We
demand that women prove that they’re not just lying for attention, or
trying to ruin their assailant’s reputation, or that they just don’t
want to admit that they had sex and regretted it the next morning.
We live in a culture that teaches women not to go out drinking and “get themselves raped,” instead of teaching men not to get drunk and rape people. A culture that charges women an exorbitant fee, literally and figuratively, to prove that they were raped. A culture whose lawmakers believe that raping a virgin is a more heinous crime than raping a woman who’s had sex before.
We live in a culture where the media sides with alleged rapists and condemns
the few women who come forward. A culture where “rape” is a term thrown
casually around to describe a particularly difficult quiz or paper. A
culture where women who are raped are mocked and doubted and libeled in their own communities, among their own friends.
Date
rape is my new worst fear, because in this culture, the rape is only
the first half of a woman’s ordeal. There is a reason that 60% of rapes go unreported. Why would a woman ever put herself through the second half?
This is rape culture. Millions
of American women live my worst fear every day. It’s time to start
listening to them. It’s time to stop oubting them. It’s time to make
this culture into a place where we prosecute rapists in court, instead
of prosecuting rape survivors in the media and behind their backs. It’s
time to make this a culture where a woman can reasonably fear spiders
or flying or dogs, but never the treatment she can expect to receive at
the hands of her community when she stands up, speaks out and says, “I
was raped.”
Chloe, thank you for writing this piece. It is a perfect response to those who think rape isn't a big deal "because those who do it are brought to justice, and everyone believes what the woman says, natch."
Great post Chloe.
I absolutely share your fear and can't imagine many women who don't. We definitely live in a 'blame the victim' society.
Hard to believe that it wasn't until 1993 in this country that it became legal to charge your spouse for rape...before that it was completely acceptable in the eyes of the law.
So much farther to go...
This post is excellent.
"Well behaved women seldom make history."-Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
Think it should bring rape into sharp focus for those who tend to brush it off. Understanding comes so slowly sometimes...
Is rape prevention taught as part of sex ed?
More should be said out loud to men, to their face that women have the right to be left alone if they want. That is really lacking. I wonder how many fathers are saying that point blank to their sons that it is never okay to take advantage.
I just think it's utterly bizarre that "rape prevention" is eaught only to _women_ when it's _men_ that commit rape.
I think that that's because such prevention focuses on how to avoid situations and how to defend oneself if attacked...my sense is that this isn't offered to men as much because it is assumed that they will be the ones doing the attacking and therefore shouldn't be told how potential victims might defend themselves? That's how the primary course at my college campus, RAD, worked. Only women were allowed to enroll, I presume because they only wanted women to know about the self defense techniques involved. Although, looking on the internet, there are some male rape prevention programs out there and they will hopefully increase.
"Well behaved women seldom make history."-Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
Rape prevention education for men would start with clarifying that ANY coerced sex is in fact rape. Waaaaay too many men DO NOT GET this simple fact. There are also an unfortunate number of rape prevention classes directed at women that teach then _nothing whatsoever_ about self-defense and focus on telling them to dress modestly and not go out after dark.
Women should research a class before taking it.
Rape prevention education for men would start with clarifying that ANY coerced sex is in fact rape. Waaaaay too many men DO NOT GET this simple fact.
Exactly. Society still provides cover for men to say, "Oh, she only thought she didn't want it," or "A little of my lovin' changed her mind." It's like they can't wrap their mind around the idea that a woman might really be hot and bothered for sex, that it doesn't have to be all but inflicted on them. (Which is, of course, where we need to go---the idea of clear, enthusiastic consent as the only acceptable green flag to sex.)
There are also an unfortunate number of rape prevention classes directed at women that teach then _nothing whatsoever_ about self-defense and focus on telling them to dress modestly and not go out after dark. Women should research a class before taking it.
Yeah, the conservative crowd definitely has their own ideas regarding rape prevention, and it's got nothing to do the rapists themselves. No doubt they get a bit of a thrill at the "dress modestly!" part.
I can't help but be reminded of the extreme form of this---which shows just how silly and offensive the whole approach is---in countries like Saudi Arabia. They liken women to raw meat, and men to insects, admonishing "If you leave meat uncovered, it will attract flies!"
You'd only think such a hyper-patriarchal society would refrain from insulting and dehumanizing men to that degree....
Society still provides cover for men to say, "Oh, she only thought she didn't want it," or "A little of my lovin' changed her mind."
In droves. A few weeks ago I was watching one of those reality crime TV shows and the felon being discussed was a guy who had, for years, kidnapped women and kept them chained in a windowless room in his basement where he raped them every day. He was a 'capture and release' sort of guy, after two or three years he would let the woman go and replace her with another one. When he was finally identified and arrested he admitted to the kidnapping and imprisonments but even in jail was unable to admit that he had raped the women. Indeed he was offended when the interviewer mentioned rape and accused the women he had captured and chained in his basement of lying about the rapes. His reason for adopting this hobby was that his wife was ill and he could not have sex with her. He wept in self pity when he talked about that.
The thing is that this guy's reasoning about rape was not an anomoly. I've two friends who work as parole officers and whose job it is to monitor level 3 sexual offenders. They all, from the pedophiles to the rapists of adult women, insist that their victims wanted to have sex with them. "She wanted it, she was crawling on the bed"...when the 'she' in question was a four year old.Interestingly in my research about the decades long Catholic pedophile scandals I found Bishops comforting rapist Priests by saying things like "He seduced you" when 'he' was a 6 year old....
It's the sort of thing that helps me understand why rape is not regarded as an 'intrinsic evil' by the hierarchy. Denial is an extraordinary thing.
Interestingly in my research about the decades long Catholic pedophile scandals I found Bishops comforting rapist Priests by saying things like "He seduced you" when 'he' was a 6 year old....
Can you please provide some proof for that? I'd like to know.
Can you please provide some proof for that? I'd like to know.
Sure, Rosie. The Philadelphia District Attys Office has assembled and made public a complete collection of documents related to their Grand Jury investigation into that city's pedophile clergy crimes. The page this information is on is at :
http://www.philadelphiadistrictattorney.com/pages/1/index.htm
The specific reference is in, if memory serves, the first third of the document entitled
Philadelphia Grand Jury Report Released 9/21/2005
which is the top entry on the page
I feel I should warn you that this is a difficult read.
Beng a survivor myself, I have had guys try to convince me that I just didn't want to have sex because of the trauma I had experienced. It took me a while to realize that no, I just didn't want to have sex with them. We have a culture that tells women and men that a lack of sexual desire can be resolved by having sex, and that sex will resolve problems, which contributes to the "she said no, but she meant yes," phenomenon.
"Well behaved women seldom make history."-Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
I kind of feel that rape prevention encapsulates all of this...for instance, it is always the rapists/abusers fault if they rape someone, but I don't think it's wrong to advise not getting into certain situations. For instance, we are supposed to be able to trust our signifiant others, yet many date rapes happen when there is a substance involved, ie the classic example of the man getting the woman drunk and then taking advantage of her. In that situation, it's not the woman/victim's fault that she/he was raped, it is the rapist's fault. But that is also why we often tell women "even if he seems trustworthy, don't drink with him," because that reduces her chances of being raped. But if she chooses to trust that person and they drink together, the rape/assault itself is still completely the perpetrator's fault. Can't this advice be given without the implication that the rape is the victim's fault?
"Well behaved women seldom make history."-Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
Can't this advice be given without the implication that the rape is the victim's fault?
I think there is room for telling women what they can do to protect themselves, but particular care is needed to make the discussion strictly fact-based (emphasize rape by known acquaintances instead of strangers, puncture the stereotypes that how a woman dresses or looks directly affects her risk, etc.) and steer clear of the common tendency to wag one's finger and say "if you behave like a Good Girl(tm), you'll be safe!"
And of course, this has to go hand-in-hand with the men being taught exactly how consent, and the lack of it, are supposed to work. Any sort of rape training/awareness program that leaves out the males is doomed from the get-go.
I think that's the important distinction, and I sometimes think that people intend to make that distinction and end up sounding like they're blaming the victim when that wasn't the intent, although I know some people who really do put at least some of the blame on the victim if she dressed or acted in a certain way, which I continue to be shocked by.
"Well behaved women seldom make history."-Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
Traditional conceptions of masculinity, not men themselves, are the problem. Women, too, can commit rape, on men or other women, though it is much less common.
The problem of traditional male-on-female acquaintance ("date") rape, the most common kind, is rooted in the idea that sex is something that women supply and men demand. IMO. Sex is then part of a bartering process.
Moving away from a rape culture means burying that idea as deep as it can be buried.
Traditional conceptions of masculinity, not men themselves, are the problem.
Thanks for your comment, TJH. You hit it out of the park.
Even as traditional gender roles advantage men over women, they constrain and stifle both sexes---and however relatively few recognize this to be the case for women, even fewer recognize it for men. Men don't cry, men don't do macrame, men don't approach sex as an equal to their partners....
It's like women are expected to play prisoners, and men the prison guards. Why can't we all just be our authentic selves?
I agree with Anon on this. Men are expected to act a certain way and those who act "feminine" by expressing emotion and being sensitive to others without cloaking it in macho-ism are portrayed as effeminate, wimps, etc.
quot;Well behaved women seldom make history."-Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
Besides TJH's "...women supply and men demand..." mentality explanation(right on!), and Chloe's assertion that it's time we "prosecute rapists in court, instead of prosecuting rape survivors in the media..."(Brave new concept), we must also contend with the natural biological order of things. Men think about sex constantly, because they are hardwired to do so. Women respond to sexual advances, and even innuendos, because they are equally hardwired, but are created to respond emotionally before physically. Medical research has proven that, and today's society is SO much more knowledgeable than 50 years ago. The fact that CHANGE comes slowly, because understanding must come first, can only become reality when education, either from home or elsewhere, is appropriate. While the media continuously bombards us with sex and nudity, shocks (or entertains?) us with close up photos of "wardrobe malfunctions", then replays and continues to comment on them, rather than report what's really important, changes will NOT happen. In my lifetime, I have seen the death of chastity, and sensible virtue. There is no privacy anymore, and in fact, people are chastised for their want of it. Hopeless? Perhaps. Unless we make it less sensational, and put the lid on the media.
For years and getting know where fast. Is anybody out there listening? It is a good thing-that at least women humans can talk or we would probably be like the poor animals in china skinned alive for their fur.
Fabulous! We are so blame happy, and non accountable as a society of our own ability to control ourselves! The behavior is either no ok, or it is ok, and trying to shift the blame to the other person is like little children claiming, he/she did it to me first! Insanity!
Thanks for post, Chloe!
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