This article is published in partnership with Scarleteen.org.

Anonymous asks:

Am I/is he/is she/is this/are we normal?

 

Heather Corinna replies:

As anyone
who works in sex education or sexuality can tell you, when it comes to the
questions people ask us, variations on the theme of "Am I normal?"
reign supreme.

I just
spent a half hour going through our advice question queue, doing a search on each page for the word
"normal." At the moment, we have around 55 pages of unanswered
questions. There’s five to 15 questions on each page. I found only two
pages where there was not at least one question with the term "normal" in it;
where the heart of the question wasn’t "Am I — or is he, she or ze —
normal?"

Some
questions about normality are really about health. That’s a little different.
Of course, from my view, that’s also less about normal and more about healthy.
If, for instance, someone has delayed puberty but no health issues they need to
address causing it, then it doesn’t really matter if it’s normal because that
person is healthy and not in need of healthcare or lifestyle changes to support
health. Maybe someone’s uterus is radically different than the uteri of most
other female-bodied people, or someone’s penis is bigger or smaller, but again,
more times than not, those folks may or may not be exactly "normal"
but they’re healthy, so it’s all good. We may have a disability that is
exceptionally rare and thus, not normal by definition, and it may also present
health problems so may not technically be healthy, but in cases like that,
what’s normal doesn’t matter: what matters is finding a way for us to be
comfortable, be supported and accepted and to live a life we want and enjoy.

What I’m
mostly (though "My body looks like X, is this normal?" falls under
this, too) talking about here is this kind of concern about normalcy:

Is it normal for me, as a woman, to be attracted to other women?
Is it normal for me, as a man, to only be attracted to women? Is it normal for
me not to feel attracted to anybody? Is it normal by boyfriend is excited by
doing this, that or the other thing with his ejaculate? Is it normal I
fantasize about this, that or the other thing and find it exciting? Is it
normal if I reach orgasm from this thing? How about this one? Is it normal I
don’t reach orgasm from this thing that someone else does? Is it normal I don’t
reach orgasm yet at all? Is it normal I orgasm easily? Is it normal it’s tough
for me to reach orgasm? What’s the normal amount of time to wait for sex with a
partner? Is having sex with a partner on the first date, in the first week, in
the first year normal? Is it normal for me, as a girl, to want to have sex? Is
it normal for me, at 13, to have sexual feelings? Is it normal for me, as a
guy, not to have interest in sex? Is it normal to watch porn? Is it normal for
a guy to say no to sex? Is it normal for a girl to say yes? How can we have a
normal sex life? How can we be like normal couples? Is it normal to laugh
during sex? Is it normal to cry after orgasm? Is it normal to feel good about
sex? Is it normal to feel bad about sex? Is it normal to only reach orgasm by
myself? Is it normal to only reach orgasm with a partner? Is it normal to
masturbate? Is it normal to masturbate if I’m a girl, if I’m 14, if I’m not
ejaculating, if I don’t get off, if I do get off, if I have a sexual partner?
Is it normal to feel nervous about sex? Is it normal not to feel nervous? Is
wanting sex twice a day, every day, once a week, a few times a month, once a
year, once every decade, or never normal? Is it normal to like this kind of
sex? Is it normal not to like this kind? Is it normal to feel a lot from this
kind of stimulation, but not that kind? Is it normal to only want casual sex?
Is it normal to only want sex in a marriage? Is it normal for my love
relationship not to be sexual? Is it normal for me to have so many questions
about sex and what’s normal in the first place?

The
answer to any of those questions and others like them can vary. The answer may
be yes, maybe, not really (which is the least common answer of all), I don’t
know, and, most often, that it sounds like that’s normal for you right now, or
has been normal for you so far. "Normal according to whom?" is
another common reply. "No," when it comes to questions like those, is
never the answer. However, no matter what the answer is, they all beg the
question, "Why
does normal matter?"

Understand
that I totally totally get how important being normal can feel for people,
especially for younger people who often feel they don’t or won’t fit in
anywhere and are concerned sex will be no exception. Working with people and
sexuality for as long as I have, I absolutely recognize that there are many
people who feel it’s critically important their sexuality and sex lives meet
the real or perceived standards of others or culture-at-large (whatever the
heck that even is).

While I
get that intellectually, I only kind of get it from an personal standpoint. I
myself figured from a very early age onward that I was a weirdo in general,
probably not normal, and that my sexuality and sex life was likely no
exception. And I decided not to give a hoot and just let my freak flag fly,
especially since it all felt great to me and people I chose to be sexual with,
and I had little respect or care for most "norms" I met and many of
the people who promoted them. Of course, the irony is that in hindsight, doing
that job I do now, I know full well that for as much as anyone is normal, I was
and am normal, too, even in my weirdness.

The most concise definition of normal is "being approximately
average."

Doesn’t
that sound so super exciting? I sure hope in my life I can reach the amazing
goal of being approximately average. Who needs world peace, the end of global
hunger, to develop the cure for HIV or to win a Pulitzer when we could
accomplish that? Sorry,
snark attack. I’m done now.

That
definition makes clear that the idea of normalcy in sexuality is an oxymoron.
Because there is no average for all people. Not even an approximate one. When
it all comes down to it with sex and sexuality, because of how diverse we all
are, either everyone is normal or no one is.

There is
no one sexual normal: nor for men, not for women, not for those who are or
identify as neither. Not for straight people or queer people, married people or
not-married people, young people or old people or any other group of people
there is. Anyone who tells you there is either doesn’t know much about human
sexuality or wants you to think they, you or others are normal or abnormal
because of some kind of personal agenda.

Another
definition of normal is "conforming with or constituting a norm or
standard or level or type or social norm; not abnormal," which I think is
more often what a lot of people are concerned about with sexuality. But that’s
also problematic. What’s a social norm? More specifically, how big is the
social group making that a norm? For anyone making a norm, what’s their
criteria in doing so? How broad has their study been on what everyone
does/is/feels, if they’ve done any real study at all? Why are they saying
something is normal: is it because they really think it is, or just because
they badly want it, or themselves, to be? Are they saying something is normal
in order to educate and inform people to earnestly help better their lives, or to
try and control people for their own benefit? What about the fact that so
often, people who are loudest about what is or should be "normal" are
people for whom that given standard isn’t even what’s normal for them? (I’m
talking to you Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Mark Foley and all the myriad folks
out there like you.)

I have
something really important I want to tell you. Based on everything I know, from
the many years I’ve worked in sexuality now, from my own life, from the lives
of people who I have been close to sexually, or who have talked with me about
their sexualities and sexual lives, one of the biggest favors you can do for
your sexual self, any sexual partnerships you may have, and for people as a
whole, is to stop
asking that question. To learn to say "To
hell with normal."

We do have a
few pervasive, worldwide social norms: one of the biggies with sex is an
intense concern about being normal. That pervasive norm (and a few others
related to it) also has a pervasive consequence, which is that a whole lot of
people’s strong concern about normalcy and trying to meet standards of normalcy
tends to get in the way of people having sex lives and sexualities they feel
good about, that are really for and about them, and that result in satisfying
lives and experiences. Going batty trying to seek out or be what’s sexually
normal often results in feeling like an outside in your own sexuality, like you
aren’t connected with it at all, like you aren’t at home in it, like it’s an
empty room, than it does in finding sex and sexuality to be a place of joy, a
place of richness, to be a place you feel at home in, alone or with partners.

The
sooner you can get past worrying about if you’re normal or not, the sooner you
can start discovering what your unique, own sexuality is like and what you really want from it.
The sooner you do that, the
sooner you’ll be able to create and experience a sexual life that’s really a
good fit for you — not anyone else, you — and to a level of comfort with your
own sexuality that will feel good to you, physically and emotionally. Ask any
sexologist or sex therapist for a second opinion on that: I can assure you that
they’ll concur.

We’ve
said it before, and we’ll keep saying it: what’s
most normal and most common in sexuality is diversity.

Any ideas
anyone may have that there is one default sexuality or sex life, one set of
sexual things or ideas that most people — or all people except you —
idealize, want, experience, enjoy or sign unto — are incorrect. It’s normal to
have a range of emotional and physical reactions to all kinds of sex as well as
to not-sex-at-all. It’s normal for people to be sexually attracted to any
number of different kinds of people or to not be sexually attracted to people.
It’s normal for people to like all kinds of sexual things and dislike all kinds
of sexual things by themselves, with a given partner, or full-stop. It’s normal
to masturbate or not to. It’s normal to have sexual feelings or desires at any
given age, it’s normal to want this much sex or that little. It’s normal to
have a wide array of sexual fantasy. If something is normal for a person of one
sex or gender, it’s normal for a person of another. It’s normal to say yes to
something sexual and normal to decline. It’s normal to orgasm and not to
orgasm. It’s normal to feel excited sometimes and normal to feel bored to tears
at other times.

With
anything like that, given things may be more or less common either for all
people, those of a given gender, age, orientation or some other exceptionally
broad classification of people, those of a given community or peer group, but
if they are happening to you, for the time being or for your whole life,
they’re your normal right now. And I swear to you, that really is all that is
truly relevant and all that’s earnestly productive and beneficial to you and
everyone else.

If you
feel you must, you can still ask me if you’re normal. I’m not saying what I am
because I need you to stop asking. But I’m going to keep giving you the same
answer. I’m going to keep telling you that there are few things under the sun
when it comes to sexuality that only one person in the world thinks about (or
doesn’t), wants (or doesn’t) or enjoys (or doesn’t), and that if you’re feeling
the way you are, having the experiences you are, and all of that is real to
you, that it’s normal for you. And that question is also going to keep you
stuck in the same place: there are far more interesting questions to ask which
will elicit far more useful answers.

Sex and
sexuality are "normal" in that they are, in all their diversity, as
well as in their absence, one common part of most people’s lives, and one
common part of who nearly all of us are. But we can never say any one given
thing is normal or abnormal because to do so would also be to say that there is
one kind of sexuality or sex life, one kind of sexual experience or desire,
which is "approximately average" for all people. That’s something any
of us who have worked in sex for a while, and who considers all the information
we take in about it with as little bias and projection as possible, knows just
isn’t true or real.

You don’t
have to be normal. No one does, and everyone has stuff about themselves or
their sexuality that one person or another would not consider normal, because
not only does sexuality widely vary, so do people’s opinions about what is and
isn’t normal. If you find yourself in any kind of sexual situation or
partnership where your "being normal" is way important to you or
someone else — where it’s far more important than being yourself — you’re
probably in a situation or partnership that just isn’t a good fit for you.

All you
have to be, or strive to be, is comfortable with who you really are sexually,
and to honor and respect who anyone else really is. If we’re talking about your
sexuality or masturbation alone and it feels physically and emotionally good to
you, chances are very high it is all good. No worries. If it doesn’t, either
you just need to try something different, or look into, sometimes with help,
why you feel bad. With sexual partnerships, same deal: does what you’re doing,
or how you’ve both framed this, feel physically and emotionally good to you and
that other person (or people)? Okay, then. And if not, it’s time to do some
talking, make some adjustments (physical, interpersonal and/or mental) or reconsider
if a given situation really is the right one for everyone involved in terms of
what they want, what feels right to them, and where they’re at right now.

It stands
to mention that if you have the idea that who you are sexually, or what you
like or want, is something you are convinced absolutely no one else in the
world will share or understand, you should know that that is profoundly
unlikely: if there’s something you like, while not everyone may like it, at
least one other person does, too. Probably way more than just one. By all
means, in some cases, finding sexual partners or partnerships that are
perfectly compatible, that are a really good fit for both people can be tougher
than in others (and that also can change: we may be very compatible with one
person for years, then have changes one or both of us experience change that
fit). But at the same time, it’s often harder than the world makes it sound for
anyone to find others with whom they have a great sexual fit, and all the more
so when we’re also trying to seek out sexual relationships that also are a good
fit in other ways; that are bigger relationships than primarily sexual ones,
and where we’re compatible in every way possible.

It might
help to think about the people in the world you admire most. It’s likely that a
big part of why you do is that there is something exceptional about them:
something different. Maybe they had a challenge or adversity they have faced
remarkably well, better than a lot of other people have. Maybe they’re different
in a way you can relate to, and they don’t hide that difference or act like
there’s something bad about being different in some way. Maybe they have asked
something of themselves or others that is more than what people will usually
ask. Whatever it is, it’s unlikely that you feel inspired by someone else
because they’re just that normal, just so awesomely homogenous. When you like
or admire other people, the first thing that comes to your mind when you think
about how cool they are probably is not "Wow, they are so totally average!"

So, let
whatever it is you think may be your freak flag fly. If you don’t, how will
someone else like you (or not like you, but who benefits from knowing you), who
thinks you’re amazing, ever find you? People talk about sexual risks all the
time, but all to often they leave out what it means to take a risk of being
ourselves, and that that risk — which risky like anything else — is mostly
likely to result in positive, wanted consequences and results, not negative
things we don’t want.

Sex and
sexuality is supposed to be about personal expression: it’s a way of exploring and expressing who we and
others are, what unique alchemy we make and relationship we have with a partner
or partners, and it’s a perpetually unanswered question because every time we
ask it in each experience, we’re never exactly the same person twice, and our
sexuality is ever-evolving, just like all of who we are. If it was a place best
suited to all of us being exactly the same, to never changing or doing anything
differently, I assure you that we all would have gotten really bored with it a
long time ago.

Now if
you’re asking me, this is something we should strive to do in every aspect of
our lives: to be as much of who we uniquely are not just in sex, but in
everything. Sex and sexuality is a good place to get some experience accepting
you and others for who we are, and being as authentic as you can. But it’s also
a place where trying to be like an idea of everyone else, trying to meet a
given standard or worrying more about what’s normal than what feels good for
you and what feels like it’s really about you, is particularly poorly suited,
especially if you want a sexuality and sexual life that are anything
but…well, approximately average.

Which I don’t think anyone at all — even someone who asks if they’re
normal — really wants.