Breaking the Generational Cycle of Shame About Sex

A year after the election that catapulted her to fame, Sarah Palin---mother of the most famous teenage mother in the country---swore to Barbara Walters that she had no idea that her daughter was having sex when she announced her pregnancy.  Many Americans, including myself, scoffed, figuring she was simply spouting something that’s more politically convenient than likely.  Levi Johnston’s insinuations that the Palin family knew felt more true; how can parents not figure it out when their teenagers are sexually active?

Turns out that perhaps Sarah Palin’s purported ignorance might not be as unusual as it initially seems. A recent CBS poll demonstrated that only 22 percent of parents think their teenaged children are sexually active.  Unfortunately for them, 46 percent of teenagers are actually sexually active, which means that more than half the kids having sex are managing to hide that fact from their parents.

“So what?” you might ask.  It’s a good question.  After all, one’s sexual activity is a private matter, and even though teenagers may live under their parents’ house, they still have a right to a private life.  Many parents accept this, which is probably why teenagers are able to hide their sexual activity---their parents respect their privacy and don’t root through their email, cell phones, or even perform the old-fashioned underwear drawer search.  Perhaps one could even argue that this level of privacy encourages contraception usage.  It’s true that kids who are ready to have sex but not ready to share that with their parents are probably going to be more likely to use contraception if they can do so without their parents finding out.

But despite this, we should still be concerned that so many American parents are living in denial about teenage sexuality. In the moment, denial might be the best of all bad choices, but we should understand that denial is a symptom of a larger problem of shame and fear about sexuality, especially teenage sexuality.  And shame and fear about sexuality are linked to sexual irresponsibility that then leads to teenage pregnancy and STD transmission.

Don’t take my word for it.  Look at the evidence.  In January 2008, I reported on a study that compared attitudes towards teenage sexuality in Holland and the U.S.  Holland is of particular interest, because while their teenagers have sex at the same rates and ages as ours, their STD transmission rate and teenage pregnancy rate are much lower.  What researchers found should have been earth-shattering, even as it seems sort of obvious in retrospect.  It was something very simple: Dutch parents were more likely to respect teenage sexuality and treat teenage love affairs as the real deal, instead of some sick thing for teenagers to avoid.  In fact, Dutch parents were way likelier to allow teenaged children to have sleepovers with their romantic partners.  Not living in denial about their kids’ sexual activity, not like American parents.

I said it then and I’ll say it now---young people show a tendency to rise to the expectations we put on them, and this research shows it.  If you respect young people’s sexuality and expect them to behave like responsible adults about it, you will get far more young people actually taking health precautions and behaving respectfully.  If you treat sex like it’s a dirty secret that must be denied and hidden, kids will be more prone to have furtive sexual encounters, without taking as much time and energy to consider contraception and basics like vetting their partners for good will and respect.

The irony in all this is that most of us had sex as teenagers, and most of us went to great lengths to conceal this fact from our parents.  You’d think we would have learned the dangers of shame and denial, from the unfortunate lack of preparedness (thinking you can’t have condoms on hand, because what if they find out!) to the gaping lack of guidance from your elders on how to conduct relationships, due to the fact that you were hiding the exact nature of those relationships.  We were right to fear judgment in our puritanical society, but what’s baffling to me is how the very people who thought they were right to have sex as teenagers then grow up to pass on denial and shame to their own kids.

It shouldn’t surprise me, though.  A lot of us repeat the mistakes of our parents because we don’t realize there are other options. This is particularly true of sex.  The gulf of knowledge and understanding between generations about sex persists because we believe that because it’s always been there (as far as we know), it’s just the way things are and always will be.  But as the Dutch example shows, there’s nothing inevitable about the wall of silence between generations.  There can be more openness about sexuality, and everyone would benefit from a little more honesty.

Obviously, I’m not talking about sharing the details.  We don’t need to know our parents’ proclivities or frequency in order to grasp that they do have sex, proving that one can know that something’s happening without having to know all the gross out details.  All I propose is that the same sort of “we know of it, but we don’t need to know all the details” attitude that is extended towards adult relatives, friends, and even between sexually active teenagers themselves can be extended to teenagers from the adult authority figures in their lives, especially their parents.  And even though teenagers often feel the urge to shut their parents out of their business, knowing that their parents know and don’t judge leaves the door open for teenagers to come to their parents for help if they need it.  And you don’t get that if denial and shame are the standards.

Follow Amanda Marcotte on Twitter, @amandamarcotte