Every Day, Good Women Choose Abortion: I Am One of Them
Earlier this week, we published an article by Charlotte Taft about vicious attacks on Northland Family Planning Clinic in response to a video they have on their website called "Every Day Good Women Choose Abortion," which can be viewed here. Thelma, the author of this post, is the woman in that video., writing under an alias. Here she speaks out.
Vicious, hateful things have been said about Northland Family Planning's "Every Day, Good Women Choose Abortion" video, and about the wonderful staff who work in these clinics, it's Executive Director, women who have abortions... and me.
While I understand that the things that are said directly about the woman in the video are meant to be comments about the message and the pro-choice community at large, I am a person.
I am a human being.
I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a friend... I am not just a face or voice on a screen.
And I have a voice.
The words they have attempted to demonize, to pervert, are not just the words of love, the words of courage and the words of a movement headed by the Abortion Care Network, and Northland Family Planning.
They are my words.
So, what I have to say is this: the video speaks for itself. It speaks for me.
The video speaks to women all over this country and the world who need it the most.
So let my actions in this world be my response to this hate. Let my love for my family and friends, my commitment to women's rights and social justice, my passion for helping those less fortunate then I be my answer to this hate.
I have had an abortion. I know the kind of woman I am. Nothing can take that away from me. And nothing can take that away from your sister, your friend, your wife, your daughter, and your mother who may have had to make the decision to have an abortion.
A dear friend of mine shared something with me tonight. She told me that a friend of hers called her after she viewed the video. And she told her "I had an abortion 5 years ago. And this is the message I have been searching for. I know I am a good person, and now I feel it in my heart."
Love will win over hate.
Truly,
Thelma
I'm writing from Allentown PA where good women from all walks of life make the courageous choices they make for their own personal as well as realistic reasons. Whether they choose abortion or not, should not in any way detract from the central fact that women are or should be their own agents. They know what is best for them. They don't need rescuing, they need rights. They don't need the protesters' versions of hope and help, they need compassion, respect and dignity---all the needs that are met within the doors of the Allentown Women's Center and within clinics across the nation.
where every woman who has had an abortion wasn't too scared or ashamed to openly admit it. In the abstract, people tend to see the choice and not the woman, until it happens to someone they know. Then it's impossible for them to not see the woman first. Choosing abortion doesn't make a person bad, but choosing to judge or define a person based on one decision they made over the course of their lifetime does.
Christie
www.ourheartbreakingchoices.com
they'd learn I had an abortion & it was "using abortion as birth control" after my primary method of that time failed. Since iUD didn't work for me, I had tubes tied. Now I'm in menopause ... so childless. I didn't want to force the issue for family/co-workers for whom it would be "too much information". When I was having counseling (dealing with my husband's stroke & feeling of no-control-over-my-life) though, I never mentioned my abortion. I don't know if he knew or not (it wold have been in my medical files?) I think I was afraid of contributing to a statistic of "abortion hurts women" ... as if the abortion made me panic (20 years later) rather than Folo's stroke.
Thanks for your comments. I'd add to our Imagine list, Imagine a world where abortion had no stigma. While abortion and cancer are clearly not the same, there are some valuable lessons to learn from how we rally behind a woman who must deal with the loss of a breast due to cancer. The denial, anger and grief along with her sense of self and sense of bodily integrity all are just a few of the issues that a woman factors when faced with a tough decision. Choosing to ride the cancer out or have a mastectomy and/or have chemo treatments in no way reflect on the goodness of a woman. Nor does her choice define her. And, yet, people of all stripes support her in her decision.
When a woman finds herself with an unintended pregnancy, the emotional responses are similar but for different reasons, reasons that are personal AND that in no way reflect on her goodness. Nor does her choice define her, as Christie said above. And, so, we should all support her choice for we know not the totality of her life.
Framing yourself as a "good woman" (as opposed to a "bad woman") seems ridiculous. People are people, all of whom do good and bad things.
In your case, you killed your own baby. It is a fantasy to think that you will convince society to not stigmatize that.
You may get sympathy for your situation, whatever it might be. You might make me cry with your story of hardship and desperation. But you're still here to live and fight another day, while your son or daughter is dead.
It's not hard to see the unfairness (and the "badness") in that, and the reasonable majority of people will see it that way.
If your explication were correct, then considering the state of the world and the majority of the children in it, then the reasonable majority of people, without regard for their personal situation or circumstances, should all feel overwhelming unworthiness and guilt over the fact that they are alive, because lots of other people are not, and it's not hard to see the unfairness and badness in that.
Or we could just cut each other a break, understand that people are trying the best they can, and stop judging other people as 'bad' because they didn't make the decisions we speculate we would have made if we were in their situation.
Oh do come off your high horse. There are no infants or killing of infants involved in an abortion. I find it horrific that you would TRY to make this woman out to be a monster, when she is simply a woman who made a choice that was right for her. People like you, who think a woman's right to her body end when she sees a positive pregnancy test, make me sick. I don't know if you're male or female, but either way, I must ask this. Why do you want to use forced gestation to punish women for DARING to enjoy non-procreative sex? I wasn't aware sex was a crime.
It's interesting to note that her reasons for having an abortion haven't been posted anywhere I've seen, but were assumed automatically to have been totally irrelevant. One of the other posters here sneered at any possibility of "hardship and desperation".
The idea seems to be that the PURPOSE of being female is repeated pregnancies until they kill you and if you're lucky enough to survive, that's kind of sad, because you could have been lucky enough to be a holy icon of sacrificial motherhood. It has the unmistakeable fanatical ring of religious extremism - 'martyrdom by pregnancies'. And God will surely provide Daddy with a new young wife to raise your kids -- until repeated pregnancies kill her as well.
It's all about control! That's what they (the far right) wants-- to control all women.
From another (pagan) goth (rasberry pink hair, black sweat suit today-- *Freaking the mundanes, freaking the mundanes won't you come freaking the mundanes with me?*
Why is it ridiculous? Because you say so? I resent your framing of a fetus as a baby, of a woman as a murderer and your sense of superiority embedded in your "reasonable majority of people" comment. It's not been that long ago when divorcees, mentally challenged people and homosexuals and lesbians were stigmatized. I think it's about time we drop the pretense that abortion is bad. Face it, jeornom, it's legal, it happens everyday, millions of women do not regret their abortions, it's safe and, most importantly, it's part of comprehensive reproductive rights. Even in your family, if you have one, there were/are women who have had abortions, whether they admit it or not. And these women in your family are not bad or unfair. So, who is being ridiculous? You, maybe? Leave the morality and judging to a higher power than yourself.
I resent your framing of a fetus as a baby
This is really the only effective way to make large groups complicit in killing: you de-humanize the victim. Blacks were 3/5 of a person, women were the property of men, gays were perverted.
And the baby in your belly is just a fetus.
You may call it a fetus, but those outside the pro-violent-choice movement call it a baby. "We're having a baby!" "I felt the baby move." "When's you're baby due?"
It's not been that long ago when divorcees, mentally challenged people and homosexuals and lesbians were stigmatized.
See de-humanization, above.
Face it, jeornom, it's legal, it happens everyday
Lots of things are legal that people fight against. Hate speech, for example (see the article above). Does "face it, it's legal" make you stop fighting injustice? Of course not.
Well clearly, you hate women. You want them to die for the sake of your beliefs. You consider them nothing more than walking wombs. Women are not people to you...merely incubaters...existing solely for the purposes of reproduction... and those women who reject your demand for their subhumanity are selfish murderers who deserve whatever ill-fate befalls them. Basically, you dehumanize women by denying them the bodily autonomy you grant to men and contemptuously dismissing the reality of their lives.
Let's see...have I got it all covered?
Jeornom...you wanna sail in here spewing your particularly vile brand of image-mongering...feel free. Just know that you are dismissed out of hand by real people who get that our lives are not defined in terms of YOUR absolutes.
I was just on the phone with my sister, who terminated an anencaphalitic pregnancy, and I read a coupla of your posts to her...not a surprise that your vitriol is returned tenfold. Real people living actual lives have no tolerance for your arrogance and moral entitlement and self-righteous pronouncements.
By all means, continue to try to conjure the image of vicious, consciousless murderers...
But we know these women. We know them and love them and support them, and your trashy image-mongering is epic fail!
Lots of things are legal that people fight against. Hate speech, for example (see the article above). Does "face it, it's legal" make you stop fighting injustice? Of course not.
Sorry, jeormom, but women have control of their own bodies, even when they become pregnant for whatever reason. I know that this bothers you, but you're really going to have to accept that, because it's inappropriate for you or anyone else to force women to remain pregnant against their will. There are several 12-step programs available that can help you get over the fact that you just can't violate other people's human rights. I suggest you look up a local provider, to begin your recovery from being an advocate for institutional misogyny.
Please get help, jeormom. You're not only hurting other women... you're hurting yourself.
How dare you even THINK you can compare calling a fetus what it REALLY is to calling homosexuals derogatory terms or what the african americans endured. How dare you! Homosexuals and african americans are SENTIENT PEOPLE who suffered at the hands of bigots and racists! Feoti are not being targeted. Not all feoti are being aborted and feoti are non-sentient and unable to feel pain when the MAJORITY of abortions occur. A fetus can't suffer. Calling a fetus a fetus IS NOT dehumanizing them. An unborn human from 8 weeks until birth is a fetus. It's a PROPER scientific term. Or do you not believe in science?
Those of us who are longtime veterans of safe abortion care work and the movement to give women equal rights have over the years dealt with many like jeornom- who are quick to condemn and pass judgement on others whose lives they know nothing about. Their self- images and lack of self esteem require they devalue other women in order to elevate themselves. So, the ugliness continues--- until it's them or their loved one. And we listen to their conflict and comfort them - as anyone else.
One of our beloved at Allentown Women's Center was interviewed about people such as yourself, people who symbolically annihilate women. From a compassionate yet provocative point of view, she said, "Putting prochoice aside, how can anyone consider it ethically and morally right to force a woman to carry a pregnancy to term?"
Women have the distinct biological capacity to conceive and carry a pregnancy. They also the distinct emotional, intellectual and moral capacity to determine their own lives including choosing to abort, adopt or parent. To that end, your contributions to this article in your comments illustrates succinctly how you view women. I join others in saying that we see you for who you are. The sad news is that there are others like you. The good news is that you and your ilk are a minority.
I'm like Julie. You could google my name and learn that I fathered a child who died in an abortion. I'm quite sure it was as much my fault as it was the fault of the child's mother. The 'fault' was that both of us were blind to the fact that our child had every bit as much right to live as either of us did. The 'fault' was that neither of us were willing to behave like the parents we were.
If you want to stigmatize women who have had an abortion, you should stigmatize me as well since I'm in as deep as any of them. I don't give a crap if you stigmatize me, though. My intention is to do what I can to protect the 'next one', the very young person who is still alive.
The unborn child who's unfortunate enough to be "unwanted" needs the support of her/his mother, as well as her/his father -- but s/he also needs your support. Women make the "hard choice" to have an abortion because too many people take the attitude that that choice is as "good" as any other choice. It isn't.
Paul Bradford
Pro-Life Catholics for Choice
Are you suggesting that you should have been allowed to force your wife to give birth against her will? Sleeping with a woman doesn't make her body your property. You have no right to deny a woman the right to an abortion just because you got her pregnant and her choice isn't "good" enough for you.
Are you suggesting that you should have been allowed to force your wife to give birth
Sayna,
First of all, the event I've related took place before I ever met my wife so let's keep her out of it.
More importantly, though, my post wasn't about who had the choice to abort. The post was about the fact that my child's life was in peril and I did nothing at all to try and save her/him. Forcing a woman would certainly be extreme (and extremely wrong!) but I didn't even plead the kid's case. I didn't even point out that it was a human being whose life hung in the balance because I was in denial about that fact myself.
On a related point, I can't help but notice that people here are so eager to demonize Pro-Lifers that they project all kinds of weird attitudes onto them. There's a huge difference between what I say and what people hear.
Paul Bradford
Pro-Life Catholics for Choice
Women make the "hard choice" to have an abortion because too many people take the attitude that that choice is as "good" as any other choice.
I disagree - I think it would be more accurate to say that women (and girls) make the hard choice to have an abortion because too many people take the attitude that it's "her problem" and "her responsibility" and that she "should have kept her legs shut" and "controlled her vagina". If people insist on loudly pronouncing they apply a stigma to sex and pregnancy, and resist society's obligation to pay for the medical care necessary for the fetus to be healthy and survive birth because doing so is "rewarding promiscuity", there it shouldn't be a surprise that girls and women will end their pregnancies the cheapest way possible and as early as possible.
crowepps,
Somehow or another you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that you and I are in violent agreement about this. Isolating women and assigning full responsibility to them for a situation that requires support and understanding is a BIG reason for abortion. Shaming a woman for "getting herself pregnant" is not only misogynistic, it flies in the face of biology since a woman can't get pregnant by herself.
As far as 'rewarding promiscuity' goes, how far are you going to take it? You could argue that providing gardasil 'rewards promiscuity' because it takes some of the danger out of sex. I believe in abstinence and fidelity -- but I also believe in doing everything we can to protect women from unwanted pregnancies and from STI's. You can't frighten women into behaving themselves (even when the danger is very, very frightening).
Paul Bradford
Pro-Life Catholics for Choice
Promiscuity, as I understand it, is indiscriminate sex with anybody whatsoever. Somehow, the theme seems to have become established that there are only two possibilities - either a girl is a virgin or she is promiscuous.
Personally, I think if society has such a huge and overwhelming investment in zygotes, then they ought to cut a break to those girls and women in whom they are resident and not only hold all women who choose to be continue their pregnancies in high esteem, even if they don't happen to be married, but support them financially during the pregnancy and pay all their medical care.
It makes no logical sense at all to assert that the zygote has some sort of mystical, semi-holy status because it is the biological beginning of humanity and at the same time insist that the human woman involved in the biological process of creating it is evil.
I believe what they like to call it is the 'Madona or Whore' complex. If you are having any sex that that does not risk pregnacy, or is outside their narrow version of moral 'values' you'er the second... Sad, sad bunch of people. Life is NOT black and white and has never has been.
You don't think abortion is a difficult choice? Do you think a woman merrily skips to her appointment, all smiles and laughter? It's a hard choice to come to, and it can be a saddening experience for a woman. However, that doesn't make it wrong. Does it make euthenasia of a pet wrong because the pet-owner had a hard time coming to that conclusion? Does it make pulling the plug on life support of a brain dead patient wrong because the family had a hard time coming to that conclusion? You say a fetus needs support of both parents. What if they can't do that? What if they just can't? Abortion is the best choice for those potential parents if they feel that is the correct conclusion. Why is that so hard to see?
Also, what does it mean to be a "pro-life catholic for choice"?
Everyone talks about an inseminated egg as being the beginning of life...what if we have it all wrong? When you look at the development of a fetus into a child, then adolescent, then adult, then middle aged, then older and finally that person dies, one cannot help but notice that from the beginning to the end is one of consistent decay. What if the beginning of life is actually the beginning of death? Would your choices change? Mine certainly would. This whole argument about pro choice and anti choice is just one big lie. It's just like two people manipulating and lying to one another in order to get into a relationship and then wondering why the relationship failed. Each person seeing the flaws in the other but not seeing the glaring faults and misrepresentation of themselves. If we spent half as much time and energy trying to make this world a better place for children to thrive as we did whether women had the "right," to "have sex like men," maybe this argument would not take place. Rather than women bragging about getting an abortion, perhaps they could spend more time reflecting on its impact on both their own lives and that of society--and freely acknowledging the fact that abortiing a fetus by its very nature is in and of itself an affront to all that believe in the inherent right of all beings to live and thrive. And if anti abortionists recognized that in life, there are never absolutes and in our humanity, there are just some situations that cannot be controlled or anticipated perhaps the dialogue would not be as shrill and unproductive as it currently is. I would hate to see a world where any human being would be forced to endure a life of no choice but I also cannot condone a world that callously devalues life as well.
Faultroy, while I would share your idea about having a place for children (and adults, I'd add) to thrive, I cannot share your absolutist framing of prochoice or prolife. You claim that there are never absolutes yet your comments suggest otherwise. I also take issue with your insinuation that women brag about abortions and that women want to have sex like men. You sound like someone who's watched way too much evangelical television.
The ideas embedded in your comments smack of someone who is desperately trying to balance polar opposites but can't quite concede the existence of a large middle ground.
A woman telling of her abortion experience is not bragging. Just because she doesn't regret her choice, doesn't mean she is bragging. We're not devaluing life at all. Every human being has the right to live, but NOT if it involves using another human being's body. If a man can't use my body without my permission or against my wishes, why does a fetus get to? If I can't be forced to give up a kidney or bone marrow, why should I be forced to give up my body to a fetus? My rights to my body don't end when a pregnancy test comes up positive.
If we spent half as much time and energy trying to make this world a better place for children to thrive as we did whether women had the "right," to "have sex like men," maybe this argument would not take place.
Maybe it would be more productive to focus on the problem of men having indiscriminate, promiscuous sex, which is the other half of the problem? After all, those women aren't having sex and creating those zygotes all by themselves - lesbians never have unwanted pregnancies.
Faultroy, given that you've implied in the past that pregnant women who are poor are sub-human, you have roughly zero moral authority. Given that you've said in the past that you'd be perfectly happy to coerce such women into giving up their babies, you have even less moral authority. I'm trying to remember what it was, exactly, that you wrote...something about how you'd lie and cheat to 'coerce' (your scare quotes; apparently you don't think lying or cheating constitute coercion) women into giving you their babies to take away, and that maybe then they'd cry, as 'even animals do that'. Speaking of dehumanisation...
I'd prefer to forget the above, btw, but I have a memory like an elephant's.
Also: It's not about 'having sex like men'; it's about having sex like *we* want to. Believe it or not, it's not all about you.
If we spent half as much time and energy trying to make this world a
better place for children to thrive as we did whether women had the
"right," to "have sex like men," maybe this argument would not take
place.
Chances are very good that if we spent half as much time and energy trying to make this world a better place for women to thrive...including the right to enjoy sex w/o the fear of pregnancy...then this argument would not take place.
Many of them have children now. NONE of them regret their choice. They may regret what led up to their abortions, but not the abortions themselves. One of my aunts was unfortunate to have become sterile from an abortion. I believe it was a botched procedure, more than likely not done by a physician. She is a pill junkie now, who steals pills from family members sometimes. I think had she not been made sterile by her procedure, maybe she would have met someone, gotten married and eventually had a family. Maybe she would have never became who she is today. Abortions need to be safe and they need to be legal.
Of course the choice to abort a pregnancy is no reflection on the moral character of that person. It is unfortunate that the religious extremists have somehow made abortion a moral issue; it is not. It is a medical and personal decision.
What strikes me the most is that the people who are anti-choice and have opted to post a comment here have completely missed the point of this diary.
Have you ever considered how powerful your words are? Have you ever considered who your words are really directed at? It is worth sitting back and thinking, before you type something out on a computer. We are all real people here, not just imaginative words on a computer screen.
Has anyone ever told you that the world would be a better place if you "took a shot gun and blew your head off?"
I hope not. All because you want to help spread the word to women that choosing an abortion DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON. Women live complex, meaningful lives, just like men, and carrying a pregnancy to term is not always possible.
The reason's for ANY woman's decision to have an abortion are irrelevant. No one is bragging. I am simple saying that I am just like the women in your family that you love, and I have had an abortion.
Thank you providers and all the warriors for choice out there.
