Feminism 2.0 And The Return Of The Slut
by Amanda Marcotte, RH Reality Check
January 11, 2009 - 6:15pm (Print)
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Coulter screeches more misogyny
On this week's episode of Reality Cast, Shireen Mitchell on an exciting new conference in February and why you should go. Also, should we extend the HPV vaccine to men and is hooking up paranoia going mainstream, and if so, doesn't that mean that Kathy Lee Gifford is going to be forced to call you a slut to your face?
I'm ambivalent about the Flight of the Conchords. You can't give most of their songs more than one listen, but you know, that first listen is often hilarious. Like their recent satire of the trend of taking every single product, no matter how ungendered and mundane, and making a special brand just for women. They're introducing a new product: Femident. The toothpaste made just for your delicate lady teeth.
- femident *
Of course, Lysol used to be promoted as both a mouthwash and a douche, so this isn't too far off. Now, of course, it's something you clean the floors with. So much for feminine delicacy.
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If you ever want to freak yourself out, do some kind of search on YouTube for information about HPV and the HPV vaccination Gardasil. The quacks have completely taken over. The majority of the stories on the front page when you do a simple search are about how the vaccine is an elaborate hoax.
* hpv vaccine 1 *
That's the first video you get if you search for "hpv vaccine" on YouTube. Here's another popular search:
* hpv vaccine 2 *
That one was illustrated with a cartoon that shows a bunch of adorable little girls being marched into a building that says "Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" with the word "whore" crossed out and replaced with the word "vaccine". So that's right wing logic for you. Because the vaccine is about preventing an STD that means that getting it automatically makes you a whore. And also that it doesn't work. And that it probably causes cancer or makes you go blind. I'm beginning to wonder if they think that girls masturbate with the vaccine.
In all seriousness, it's scary how this vaccine is being understood by large chunks of the population as automatically contaminating because it combines women with the idea of sex, and that alone causes panic. Once again, I'm baffled by this, because right wingers know full well that pretty much all women have sex with someone at some point in their lives. Hell, Dennis Prager at Townhall wrote a two part series on why women should give it up whenever their husbands demand it. So I can only conclude that this is pure misogyny, because it's about calling women whores if they have any sex at all at any point in time, and expecting that they will have sex, and punishing them for it. You deserve disease because you're a woman, I guess.
Anyway, why was I looking up info on Gardasil? Ironically, I was looking for information on extending the shot to men. Merck is asking the FDA to approve the shot for young men ages 9 to 26. I turned to a video of Dr. Sanjay Gupta, who at the time of this recording is Obama's favored candidate for the surgeon general position, for the answers to the question of why they haven't approved the vaccine before.
- hpv vaccine 3 *
Simple enough reason, and Merck has addressed these concerns by showing that it's been tested in young men and found to be effective in that group as well. So, what's the benefit to young men?
- hpv vaccine 4 *
So it prevents genital warts, which should be reason enough in my mind, but it also can prevent very rare forms of cancer. But let's face it---the main reason to vaccinate men is for those so-called indirect health benefits for women. Men who don't have HPV don't spread it to women, and therefore those women don't get cancer. Vaccines are about herd immunity as much as individual immunity, so let's do it, right?
Unfortunately, I suspect we're going to face some opposition from people who don't want to vaccinate their boys just to help some unknown women from the future. So it's time to start a campaign pointing out that saving women's lives benefits men, too. If I had a son, I wouldn't want him to grow up and get married only to see his wife die of cervical cancer and leaving him widowed. And that should be the message we're putting out there, reminding people that care for others is care for ourselves.
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- insert interview *
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Hand-wringing about the so-called hook-up culture used to be mainly a trope in the right wing media, who preferred to blame feminism for these horrible young women who have sex with young men just because they want to, and who don't use their vaginas as a token to be traded for marriage or at least commitment. But as we all well know, right wing tropes generally end up in mainstream media given enough time and energy, and this is true, it seems, of the panic over the hook-up culture. Hysteria about college aged women having casual sex has infected the New York Times and now, of course, the Today Show.
- hooking up 1 *
So already you go in with the assumption that dating is so great and casual sex that may or may not lead to relationships is so not. This is an argument from tradition, a classic logical fallacy. Yeah, previous generations had all these rules about hoops that young people had to go through for sex. First, it was marriage. Then it's dating. Now you're free to do what you like. Are older ways necessarily better? In the past, girls who used contraception were considered sluts and rape was pretty much legal if you were on a date. So obviously, older doesn't automatically mean better.
- hooking up 2 *
Once again, what you're seeing here is that the reason that the supposed hook-up culture is so threatening is because it's seen as a threat to the transactional model of heterosexual mating. Or, to be more clear, people tend to think sex is women's bargaining chip to get other things like relationships from men. This presumes that women don't like sex as much as men, for one thing, and for another thing, it presumes that men really don't want relationships. It's an inherently misogynist assumption, because it's built on the idea that women are so personally loathsome, so hard to put up with, such a drag on a man's life that he can't actually be compelled to care about a woman just because he does. No, she purchases his love with sex. To which I ask, if you have to buy it, is it love?
- hooking up 3 *
Okay, women don't outnumber men 10 to 1 in cities. There is a slight discrepancy between single men and women, but who knows if it stays if you take widows out of the equation. But the idea that women are giving into hooking up because men hold all the cards because of a numbers game is pure silliness. Believe me. I live in Austin, which is one of the few cities in the country where single men outnumber single women, and casual sex that may or may not lead to dating is popular here as well.
Conservatives who were fussing about this have it half right. It may well be a product of feminism. Where they're wrong is to suggest that stupid women have been misled by evil feminists into behaving in ways that make them unhappy. I think it's more that feminism has given women the idea that sex is or should be a mutually enjoyable activity, and so the idea that sex is something you hang onto and only trade it in for commitment is repulsive to more and more women. We're trying to move beyond the idea that all women are essentially prostitutes of one stripe or another, who trade sexual favors for payment. Nothing against actual prostitutes, of course. But they're the ones who are honest about it.
- hooking up 4 *
What the scare tactic people want you to believe is that as women gain more economic and social and even sexual power, we somehow are losing power because the universe wants to punish women or some such thing like that. Don't believe it. Intellectually honest people will admit that hooking up has clicked upwards because women don't feel like they have to artificially restrain themselves when they want to have sex with a guy.
Earlier in this segment, the hosts basically admit that the idea of the slut is the way to stop the hook-up culture, and I was pleased. Because that's exactly what the panickers are trying to do, to bring back the ability of a community to destroy a woman's good reputation if she has sex with too many men or she isn't clingy enough or just for the hell of it, in all honesty. But few things are more dangerous to women's health and well-being than the double standard, where guys who have sex are studs, but women who do are sluts.
The idea of the slut justifies both sexual violence and depriving women of basic health care. When having sex is constructed as a sin or even a crime that women commit, then, for instance, if a woman is raped, then she's blamed and not the rapist. In last week's episode, Jaclyn Friedman talks about this at length. The fear of the slut also justifies limiting women's access to contraception and abortion, under the idea that it's so bad to have sex that we have to make sure you're punished if you do it.
If the trade-off is between a few girls having broken hearts because someone they liked rejects them even if they have sex with them and a society that takes rape seriously as crime and believes that women should have full reproductive rights, I'll take the latter every time.
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And now for the Wisdom of Wingnuts. Skeletor has a new book out, and that means she's doing the talk show circuit. Which means, of course, that we have to include her being mean for no other reason than the sheer joy of being mean.
- coulter monster *
I've been seeing some online debate about what she'll have to do next to stay shocking. Consensus is that she'll have to drop the n-word. But she could also, in my opinion, go avant garde in the haterade department. I predict next she writes a book accusing puppies and kittens of undermining Judeo-Christian values by softening people up and feminizing them through cuteness.
Follow Amanda Marcotte on Twitter, @amandamarcotte
Please don't act like you know anything about logical fallacies since you committed the exact same one ironically in the same sentence.
I am in my late 20's, I don't believe in any religion, I am pro-choice, pro-hpv vaccine, in a sexual relationship, etc...
No where do you acknowledge the very real pressures today on women to be hyper-sexual, and that it's ok NOT to "hook up" just for the sex of it. I feel like this "empowering" article contributes to those same pressures as a bad rap video. Pressures from other women, like you, that may weaken many women's NATURAL instincts and reservations about regular casual sex. Make them feel like they are old-fashioned and "prude" if they don't.
I have had one-night stands where I felt like crap after. Not because of society, not because of a religion, but because I did not enjoy being a sexual object to someone that did not know me and care about who the hell I am in any other way than my body and what I can do to please him. Sometimes I wanted to have fun and was open to it, but ended up feeling stupid or used. No, I did not feel that the "using" was mutual, because these men didn't end up pleasing me. ALso, you ignore that many women aren't sexually attracted to a man that isn't attractive to them in other ways too, traits that would make them want to have a relationship with him.
You ignore that most women do have a harder time to orgasm than men and that one-night stands often don't result in the same pleasure for the woman, and that can feel unfair, bad, boring, or imbalanced. And so many women don't care to hook up. You may have made some of these women feel like they are being "prudes".
From personal experience and that of friends GENERALLY SPEAKING I managed to interest a man more, and feel more wholistically desired and intelligent and sexy at once, in series of clever conversations and flirtation, when I didn't go jump in bed with. Conversely, I have felt very unsexy and dumb for jumping in bed with guys, again, not because of a conservative attitude, but because I happen to enjoy making men DESERVE me. Yes, I do feel less "cheap". And I am not alone!!
I'm not saying a woman should be persecuted for enjoying casual sex, but I do believe that many who do engage in casual sex can feel lonely and DO look for relationship partners in this way, have self-esteem issues and sleep with men to feel desired, but don't necessarily feel fulfilled.
Wanting to turn us all into "happy sluts", buys into the patriarchy and male-fantasy that I have grown up fighting off.
Thank you for making this liberated, healthy woman, feel like a 50's prude for a moment. But, I just fought you off, like the rest of them. Oh the pressures!!! Enough already!!!
Now wait a minute...nowhere did the OP command women to go out and have casual sex if you want to be liberated or empowered. The point was that nobody should be shaming women for their sexual choices. If they wanna fuck, they wanna fuck. Get over it. It is extremely disempowering to make blanket statments about all women, as if they were all naturally less sexual than men, and their desire for casual sex must really be because they have low self-esteem, not because they...you know...actually enjoy sex. This normalization of (perceived) imbalanced sex drives between men and women also subtly contributes to the normalization of rape...it suggests that it is acceptable for women to have sex when they don't want to, in order to satisfy their men.
(btw, just throwing this out there...not all instances of casual sex are heterosexual. Is it buying into patriarchy for lesbians to hook up?)
I'm sorry you felt pressured into hooking up, and that your experience was disappointing. But you are not the ambassador of women, and plenty of women enjoy their experiences with casual sex. Those of us who are tired about the hysteria over "hook-up culture" recognize that none of its opponents care enough about women to put aside their sexism, or question their commodity model of sex (i.e. women trades sex for a relationship... because we all know sex is her "payment" and women just naturally want relationships above all else. It's as if people think that all women want is to swindle a relationship out of an asshole who doesn't actually care about her. Oh wait.)
Forgive me a bit...I'm practically falling asleep here. Some of the stuff I've said doesn't apply directly to you, but it's a general sentiment lurking behind the smokescreen of concern for the women hooking up. I just didn't want to leave this unaddressed.
If it was at all confusing, please let me clarify: You have every right to your sexual choices. I'm in a monogamous relationship myself, and so obviously, I don't think that defending casual sex means I have to have casual sex.
I'm just defending the right of different folks to different strokes. If a woman feels like she wants to have a hook-up, then shaming her or making her feel bad about it is wrong. She's not hurting anyone. And shaming her means shaming all women for sexual desire. Believe me, if you think, "Those girls are sluts, but I'm not," I guarantee there's someone else out there who thinks you're the slut, and that your right to be safe from violence and to have health care should be taken away as punishment.
HPV
I don't want to see this word anymore
OMG, I must say that I am cute but I got an STD-HPV 5 months ago and had to date people who living with STD on stdslove.com
I agree with AM that there is nothing wrong with hooking up if that's what a woman wants to do. Trouble is, the majority of college women are dissatisfied with the practice. That's because when they make the choice to pursue a relationship, uh oh, the guy is not looking for a girlfriend. Some women want as much casual sex as guys do. And some guys want relationships. But any college counseling center can tell you that, in general, women who prefer commitment have very limited options. Consider the following statistics (see About page at www.HookingUpSmart.com for sources):
• 91% of students reported that hooking up was very common or fairly common on their campuses.
• 87% of college students report having hooked up.
• 73% of girls wish dating was more common.
• 12% of hookups eventually lead to relationships.
• 60% of sexually active teenagers will at some point have sex with someone they are not dating.
• 49% of students who had intercourse during a hookup never saw the other person again.
• 61% of women who say hooking up makes them feel desirable also say it makes them feel awkward.
• During hookups, guys have orgasms 44% of the time. Girls have orgasms 19% of the time.
• 12% of women say that it is sometimes easier to have sex with a guy they don’t know than to make conversation.
It's absurd to pretend that women are the SAME as men. Lecturing by the feminist media is just making girls feel guilty for wanting something more from their hookups.
and THIS right here is why feminism is so important. women have to realize that they are in command of their own lives, their own choices. if they don't want to have casual sex, but do it anyway out of some imagined social pressure or feeling like "well, everybody else does it, so if i don't then i'm a prude," then it's her own damn fault she's made herself feel silly, or unhappy, or awkward. personally, i'm fully in favor of casual sex and the hookup culture, but i myself have never had sexual relations of any sort outside of a committed relationship. because i didn't want to. i know a lot of people who have tons of casual sex, and none of them think any less of me nor i of them for our personal choices.
None of your data indicates that "the majority of college women are dissatisfied with [hooking up]." I don't see how you can infer this, even from your own sources. "Feeling awkward" does not equal dissatisfaction. Lack of orgasms, while unfortunate, does not equal dissatisfaction. Wishing dating was more common (whatever "dating" means) does not equal dissatisfaction. Read your own data.
It's absurd to pretend that women are the SAME as men. Lecturing by the feminist media is just making girls feel guilty for wanting something more from their hookups.
Oh, please. What is this "feminist media" of which you speak? None of the feminist blogs I have ever read have ever "lectured" girls about sex or made them feel guilty about their sexuality. In fact, that is contrary to some of feminism's core tenets. Point to this insidious feminist media, and I assure you that I can show you it is made entirely of straw.
And it is absolutely not "absurd" to treat men and women as if they are the same. Contrary to what the mainstream media likes to believe, men and women are vastly more similar than they are different. But similarities don't make headlines, because people would much rather affirm their prejudices than break them down.
If indeed you actually have encountered people who lecture and guilt you about your desire for relationships, I can assure that those people are not feminists.
I checked out your website and I think you are well intentioned but a bit out of touch. I graduated in 2007 and I see things pretty differently to you.
College lovin is drama across the board. I bet the data for women in relationships is quite similar to the "dissatisfaction" with hooking up. Too many women in college stay in bad or abusive relationships and some part of this is related to needing intimacy and sexual contact. However, the idea that dating options in college are limited to the people you attend classes with is a little bit ridiculous. My friends looking for serious dating options went with online dating--which really isn't stigmatized anymore--amongst other things.
Here are my thoughts for what could really improve things for all involved within the college campus:
-People seeking sexual contact or initiating hooking up need to ask the other person for permission to do whatever it is that they want to do, everytime. Then they need to check in, like "does this feel good/is this okay?." It is good etiquette that for whatever reason, some people's families didn't raise them with.
-Here is something that is continuously looked over! Young women need to know how to say "YES!" to sexual interactions that they want to have. Many women feel uncomfortable saying yes because they are always told to say no. This frequently leads college women to get drunk to feel less inhibited so they can finally hook-up with someone that they wanted to hook-up with.
-Being confident in saying yes, means knowing how to negotiate what you want from a hook-up or sexual interaction. It means:
-----always carrying your own condoms because you are a bad-ass womyn that never wants to be unprepared for the right moment.
-----being able to ask someone when they were last tested for STI's or ask for a signed doctors note if you really want to be certain (seriously, that can be the only way to know).
-----being able to say, "dude, i know there is plenty of alcohol at this party, but i'm gonna stick to one drink tonight and you should too because theres a good chance we could go back to my place tonight if you don't turn out to be a loser"
-----knowing how to say, "if you want me to go down on you, you better believe you are going down on me until I orgasm."
-----being able to say, hey this is a one night stand and I don't want to see you again, but here's my number in case you ever have a positive sti test and then you should call and let me know.
-----being able to say, hey dude, you aren't that good in bed, should we work on it together or should i just find someone else?
-----being able to say, you know I really like you and want to be in an exclusive relationship with you.
-----knowing that your orgasm is your own responsibility, spend some time getting to know what you like and then go out and get it.
-----knowing your worth as an amazing womyn and stop worrying about what society tells you is normal. Respect yourself and take ownership of what you want to do.
-People have needs. Most women get pleasure from sexual contact. Hooking-up is not the issue. *****The stigma around casual sex, lack of negotiation skills around sexual boundaries in a relationship or otherwise, and poor body/self image and self esteem, are the real problem.*****
Lets put some effort into those issues instead of reinforcing norms that most women want to and should want to be in nice little relationships instead of getting their sexual needs taken care of and putting themselves first for once.
College women are unsatisfied sexually and emotionally by dating relationships, as well. On the whole, I'd rather have a hook-up that was kind of a bore than a relationship that was emotionally draining and self esteem-destroying. All the pressure people like yourself put on young women to immediately pair off (or there's something wrong with you!) causes, in my experience, young women to stay in horrible, unfair, dissatisfying and often abusive relationships.
Hooking up didn't develop to make young women miserable. In my direct experience, it developed because young women are tolerating miserable relationships less.
Should young men be less sexist on average? More interested in pleasing young women? Of course. I fail to see how guilting women into making relationships with young men will inspire young men to be better. If they're going to get a girlfriend no matter how much they suck, why should young men even try?
OK, on hookups. I'm 43, I've had serious monogamous relationships, I've had one-nighters. I've had long term fuck buddies whose company I enjoy quite a bit, but I don't want a serious relationship with. I have no children, and I don't want any. I'm definitely feminist.
This man is typically reviled by feminists, but this quote is great, so I'll use it. Hugh Hefner, in an interview in the early 1960's said, "A big part of the "message" in Playboy is that 'nice girls like sex too'." He's right, we can thoroughly like and enjoy sex, and take responsibility for our part in it and our choices in play partners without being "sluts".
For me, I prefer to know someone fairly well before bedding them. Too many men are NOT good in bed, and I've had enough bad sex to last me the rest of my lifetime. Knowing someone reasonably well improves your chances of getting good sex. Intense chemistry does exist, and I've had a few good experiences with it, but killer chemistry and someone I know well enough relax and laugh with is even better.
This is not to say that I want another serious monogamous relationship. I don't. Too many expectations, too much bullshit, no thanks. I prefer to live on my own. I like having friends, both male and female who I enjoy spending time with. If I choose to bed down with one or more of them, so be it. My preference is to have 1 or 2 fairly regular bed buddies. I get variety and spontaneity, and I get to keep my freedom.
All this being said, one of the things that's wrong with the "hook-up culture" is the unexplored expectations and the lies. If I choose to play with someone, I'm careful not to play with someone who is looking for a relationship. I don't want one, it's not fair to them. I will not bed someone if they have feelings I don't reciprocate. It's grossly unethical and can be downright cruel. If I am involved with someone, and I'm interested in playing with someone else, I explain the situation, and ask if they're interested. I will not lie and say I'm not involved. I never promise monogamy to anyone. I actively tell someone I'm thinking about bedding that I refuse to be in a monogamous relationship. Not everyone is ok with that, and that's fine. In most cases we remain friends, sex just isn't a part of it. I firmly believe that if you choose to play with someone, they have the right to now if you're playing with anyone else. I am a firm believer in safe sex! Condoms are not an option, they are a requirement. I believe you are OBLIGATED to tell someone if you're looking for a relationship, and if your feelings about seeking a relationship with them change.
In order to do all this successfully, you need to know yourself pretty well. Most college kids don't. Unrealistic and misunderstood expectations coupled with bad sex will make you feel like crap in a hurry. These kids are busy with school while trying to find their way in life, adding ambiguous sex of crappy quality only adds to the stress. A steady diet of "hooking up" when you don't understand yourself, your needs, or your expectations is a not recipe for happiness, and I don't recommend it.
Good sex is not worth the lies and bullshit that are too common in college. Bad sex is way off the "not worth it" scale. In short, whatever your sexual choices, are, or whatever they become, both men and women are best served by being honest with yourself and your partners about your hopes, needs, and expectations, and behaving ethically. This doesn't rule out a one-nighter, it doesn't rule out relationships either, and it's not a judgment about the value of a person who makes either choice.
One last thing. This goes for both men and women. KNOW, absolutely KNOW, your stance on abortion. If you became pregnant, what would you do, and what would you expect your partner to do? Do NOT get into a relationship with someone who has a different idea on it than you do. Men, if the condom breaks, is she on another form of birth control? What would she expect of you if she got pregnant? Are you prepared to be a father? Are you ok with her having an abortion? Could sign off on giving the child up for adoption? Women, will he expect you to have it if you get pregnant? Do you really wan this man in your life for the next 20 years? Are you ok with having an abortion? Could you really sign off on adopting the child out? (your answer to this could change during the pregnancy) Not knowing the answers to this stuff is an invitation to a lifetime of heartache and trouble. I don't care what your potential partner says about birth control, make darn sure you take care of your end. Women, don't rely on a condom alone. Men, don't rely on her form of contraception. Raising a child is a long and difficult journey. Abortion is not an easy choice either, and adoption has it's own difficulties. No matter what choice you make you will always wonder what would have happened if you made a different choice. In any event, a pregnancy will alter your life. If you want a happy life, use contraception and practice safe sex religiously. All children should be planned children!
I am not sure what this HPV vaccine is good for. Anybody out there?
It keeps women from contracting the Human Papilloma Virus, ie a virus that can cause genital warts and in some cases cervical cancer. It's literally a vaccine that helps prevent cancer. If you can't see what that is "good for"...
It would be great if it proves safe and effective for men too, which so far the news seems to be. Since it is a silent infection in men (and often in women as well) they may pass it on to partners unknowingly.
In college (as a guy), I tended to avoid women who were interested or open to the idea of one-night-stands. Crabs and Herpes can be spread, even if you use a condom. It may not be "PC" to think of certain women as sluts, but some people are dirty, and the best defense against an STD isn't to try and vaccinate everyone, it's to realize that one-night-stands are trowing caution to the wind for gratification now. Besides, sex is better when you know the other person.
Should women be told that they should avoid casual hook-ups because it's sinful or evil? No. They have a choice, that's feminism. Should they (and guys as well) be told to avoid them because STDs are real and there aren't vaccines/cures/protections for all of them? Yes. You can cry chauvinism and blame conservative pundits all you want, but this isn't an issue of feminism, it's an issue of public health and general common sense.
