Get Real! We Both Masturbate, But She Hates That I Do

Heather Corinna

Masturbation is natural and healthy for men and women if and when it is what someone wants for themselves.

Jeff asks:

Recently my
girlfriend and I have become more sexually active. We’ve agreed not to
have intercourse, but to do everything else. Along with our discussions
came the issue of masturbation. We both do it, but she never achieves
orgasm through it. She hates that I do it, although I’ve explained it
is natural and healthy for guys and does not affect anything we do and
does not make her less important. I do not know really how to approach
the issue to make her feel better.

Heather replies:

Masturbation
is natural and in no way unhealthy for men or women if and when it is what
someone wants for themselves. It’s also not something that’s just okay
or healthy for guys, or more healthy or okay for men than for women.
It’s something that the majority of both men and women do and report they feel it benefits them and their sexuality.

Does absolutely everyone masturbate? No. Some men don’t, some women
don’t. Though many people do reach orgasm through masturbation, not
everyone reaches orgasm from masturbation (or sex with a partner), all
or some of the time. And it will sometimes take some people longer to
get to that point with their masturbation or with a partner than it
will for others.

I hear your girlfriend carrying around a big double-standard here:
it can be okay for her to do it, but not you. Even if she wasn’t okay
with it for herself, that still wouldn’t make it okay for her to dump
on your masturbation based on what she likes or doesn’t for herself.

Just because you enjoy it more than she does, or reach orgasm from
it when she doesn’t does not somehow make your masturbation
intrinsically different than hers. You’re both doing the same thing:
she just hasn’t come yet. That’s the only difference I can see based on
what you’ve told me.

I do not think anyone should feel, or be made to feel, guilty about
masturbation. It’s something even infants or toddlers often do — even
though infant and child sexuality is a very different thing than teen
or adult sexuality — and is no less about primarily comforting and
relaxing ourselves than taking a long bath, getting a massage or having
a cup of hot cocoa is. If you love yourself, you don’t withhold love
from a partner because of self-love. In fact, having a strong love for
yourself better enables you to love others and to do so more fully. I’d
say the same about masturbation.

What I’d suggest in talking to her about this is starting by addressing that sex with a partner is us sharing
our sexuality — a sexuality we possess with or without a partner —
not something we are giving a partner full ownership of. If she just
full-stop owned your sexuality, that’d be a lot less meaningful than
you willingly choosing to share it with her. If she’s seeking to try
and control what you do, all by yourself and with no one else, with
your body, that’s just plain out of bounds and unhealthy. As well, if
the sex you were having with her was driven by when you just needed to
get your ya-yas out (which is more what masturbation is for), rather
than when you wanted to create a unique and shared experience of
pleasure and bonding, and only when you BOTH wanted to do that
together, your sexual life together would not likely be as good as it
could be. You don’t withhold anything from her by masturbating: you
bring you to her when you have sex together, and not masturbating
wouldn’t somehow result in you having more of you available.

What is it she "hates" about masturbation or your masturbation? What
makes yours seem different to her than hers does? Might she be
projecting something unto your masturbation because she isn’t enjoying
hers or reaching orgasm through hers? If and when she does reach orgasm
on her own with masturbation, does she think she’ll feel the same way,
or that she might feel differently? (Is she reaching orgasm with you?
If not, you might want to ask if that has anything to do with this,
too.) What does she feel like her attitudes about her own masturbation
are? How did she grow up thinking about masturbation? How about her
attitudes about male sexuality in general? How does she rectify this
double-standard? How does she think you masturbating or not
masturbating does or doesn’t impact the sex you have together? These
are all the kinds of questions I’d ask her to try and both better
understand how she feels, and for her to feel heard. They should also
help her clarify what she’s thinking and identify flaws or logical
flaws in the way she’s thinking.

But honestly, whatever is going on, since the overwhelming majority
of people masturbate, she’s very unlikely to have any partner in her
life who doesn’t masturbate, so she will very likely need to find a way
to accept masturbation as something her partners will all probably do.
Most frequently, if we feel sexual desire for others and have a sexual
life with others, we’re going to also have sexual feelings independent
of other people too, and a solo sex life of our own.

Until she gets to that point — and not knowing what her issues
really are or where they’re coming from, I can’t say if that will take
months or years — it’s fair to ask her to stop endlessly voicing how
much she hates your masturbation to you. Through all of your talks
about this, I would be very clear that if you two are going to have an
intimate relationship, she will need to find a way to accept and be
okay with you masturbating in time, and that when she talks to you
about masturbation, she needs to do so respectfully and without putting
you down. Not only is it going to be pretty hard to feel healthy
sexually with someone saying those kinds of things and having that
attitude, it’s bound to just be negative for you period, and to leave
you feeling pretty lousy about yourself, even if you know, in your
guts, that masturbation is common, healthy and okay.

When we have a sexual partner, even if they don’t share desires we
have, so long as they are not pressuring or forcing us to participate
in them themselves, or are breaking rules we agreed to when it comes to
the model our relationship has, it’s important we not insult or diss
those independent desires. In fact, if she’s worried about you holding
back with her sexually, that’s much more likely to happen based on your
being made to feel bad about your sexuality by her than it is because
of your own masturbation. Most importantly, being put down by a partner
about anything, isn’t healthy: it’s abusive.

That last statement given, I also just want to check in with you and
make sure that outside of this issue, your relationship is healthy and
beneficial for you. While something else could be going on entirely,
put-downs, double-standards or seeking control of a partner’s solo
sexuality are two things that can be signals of emotionally abusive
behavior. Is this kind of dynamic something you find in other areas of
your relationship? If not, and you can work this lone matter out
together peaceably, then it’s probably all good: heck, if you can work
this out, your relationship is probably only going to get a lot better.
But if you are seeing other things with this kind of dynamic in them,
I’d be sure this is a relationship that is healthy for you, and one
where you are accepted, respected, loved and cared for.

I’ll part by saying that if there just is no rectifying this issue,
and she just won’t let it go, I hope you know it would be
understandable (and perhaps even advisable) to exempt yourself from the
relationship — or at least from a sexual relationship — on this basis
alone. As I said, it’s really hard, if not impossible, to have a
healthy sexual relationship with someone who is being very negative or
dismissive of an intrinsic aspect of our sexuality. You, like anyone
else, deserve a sexual partnership where a partner leaves you feeling
good about yourself sexually, and accepts and respects for your
sexuality, even when it’s different than their sexuality.

Here are a few links for you, some of which you might also want to share with her: