Mothers Deserve More than One Day a Year

Flowers, jewelry, cupcakes, and manicures. These are just some of the more clichéd gifts American businesses want us to lavish on our mothers and grandmothers this weekend, thanking them for everything they do for us, for all the sacrifices they make and have made. Spas and department stores are opening their doors and slashing prices, encouraging moms to flex their capitalist muscles and get pampered, while restaurants trot out brunch menus and pink tablecloths, eager to tempt hungry families fete-ing their matriarchs. Advertisements for Mother's Day "events" at retail outlets show smiling, happy, relaxed mothers -- free of wrinkles, under-eye circles, etc. -- posing harmoniously with their offspring.

There's something very wrong with this picture, and it has little to do with Mother's Day itself (I'm looking forward to celebrating with my mom and grandmother over a delicious brunch, as I always do). It has to do with the way American policymakers and corporations make a giant fuss over this holiday and then proceed to ignore moms, or "reward" them, with unfair laws, poor health care, strict maternity leave policies, and often nonexistent options for child care. I'm hardly the first to seize on this contradiction but it bears repeating, because issues that affect moms have a way of fading from public view quickly.

The phenomenon of idolize-but-ignore that afflicts moms at this time of year is rooted in the belief that women's second-class status can be rectified with a day of celebration and some pricey gifts -- just like on Valentine's Day. But it also comes from the perversely American "do it yourself" ethos: don't expect help, even when you're doing what advertisers and "family values" right-wingers remind us is the world's most important job.

For the 364 days of the year that are not the second Sunday in May, we live in a society poorly structured for making motherhood manageable. Perhaps if we viewed the concept of valuing mothers as more than an opportunity to buy more presents -- instead, seeing it is our collective responsibility -- those smiling, happy women on the Mother's Day advertisements wouldn't be a fantasy.

Practically speaking, the value we put on motherhood is a mess in this country. Individual moms do make absolutely heroic efforts every day; they more than rise to the challenges foisted on them. But we see article after article about harried mothers trying to juggle careers and family, trying to afford doctor's bills and mortgage payments, fighting for better education and recreation in their neighborhoods -- all things which should be theirs by right.

We've got moms stereotyped onscreen and on TV -- either controlling and Type A (if they're white and wealthy) or a font of understanding, wisdom and tough love (any movie with a non-white or non-rich mom) -- but rarely something in between. These images are a perverted reflection of the zeitgeist, the pressure to do all and be all that affects women across the economic spectrum.

We have the manufactured concept of an opt-out revolution, the idea of a parade of affluent women giving up the working life to devote themselves to hearth and home. It's merely a wishful thought on the part of a retro press corps, but it won't die.

We also have the "Mommy Wars," an exhausting shouting match within a usually wealthy group of women, divided between stay at home moms and working ones. The conflict, fed by guilt and a lack of part-time or options is overhyped and amplified by the media, eager for catfights. But the focus on the Mommy Wars ignore the reality of most American women, who have no choice but to work. And if we had fairer policies and better daycare options, the schism would be far less fraught.

A different approach is possible. Across the pond in France, for instance, parents get generous maternity and paternity leave packages, subsidized day care and in home-childcare, and quality government-provided health services (not to mention generous vacation time, manageable hours and delicious food and wine!). Somehow, French women don't find themselves engaged in "Mommy Wars" -- or at least, not wars of a magnitude that this Francophile has encountered. Most women are allowed to balance home life and work with a considerable amount of flexibility. Unsurprisingly, French women take advantage of this, enjoying professional success and time with the kids. Shocking, isn't it?

Fortunately, here in the US, there's a movement afoot to organize moms and get political, including groups like the awesome MomsRising. This year, women are using Mother's Day to campaign for better childcare, flexible working hours, health coverage, family leave and more. As they gain more and more attention and traction, we have the foundations of a massive grassroots and powerful mom-movement.

As Amie Newman pointed out this week, anti-choice policies that force women to become mothers against their wills go hand in hand with a lack of support for them once they do have kids. To counter this hypocrisy, reproductive justice encompasses the belief that every woman and family has the right to raise a family with dignity and freedom -- from deciding when and whether to have kids to having resources to help with parenting. Changing our society's attitudes and policies so that this is possible is a gift we can give to all mothers, not just our own.