Okay, let's put this out there right away. "The talk" is awkward. Most people do not feel comfortable talking to their parents or children about sex. Maybe someday that will change, but for now, it's a pretty embarrassing conversation.
But we have to do it. If we're ever going to get past the awkwardness, we have to start practicing open and honest conversation.
Many have objected to comprehensive and accurate sexual education in schools because they believe sex education is the parents' role and not the responsibility of the "state." I believe it's the role of both. I would be ecstatic if the students I work with were talking to their parents and learning about birth control and HIV/AIDS from them first. We need to encourage parents to speak with their children about both abstinence and safe sex. Many parents out there want to do this, they just don't know how or the best way to go about it.
I've taught workshops with many parents on how to talk to their kids about sex. Many believe the use of "scare tactics" is the best method. They think if they threaten to kick their daughter out of the house if she gets pregnant, she will not have sex. I'm always getting requests from teachers to bring in the "scary pictures" of sexually transmitted infections. Many adults believe if teens see pictures of herpes and warts, they'll be so disgusted they won't have sex.
Unfortunately, the fear factor isn't very influential in young people. It may have worked with older generations, but our current youth have been overwhelmed their whole lives with threats of what will happen if they smoke cigarettes, if they drink alcohol, if they drive too fast, if they have sex, etc. They've seen the pictures of black lungs and they've seen the crumpled car as a result of drunk driving. They're desensitized to the fear because they've seen it so much. For that same reason, a picture of a vagina covered in genital warts will definitely gross them out, but it won't deter them.
Instead, as reported by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, our youth want to be told why teen pregnancy is such a bad idea. Will they have to drop out of school? How much money will this cost every month? They also say that solely preaching abstinence and just telling them not to have sex is not enough. They've heard this already, probably about a million times to be exact. Also, just because your teen asks you about birth control or sexually transmitted infections does not mean he or she is having sex. Many times the teen is just curious and wants to hear your answer. Instead of getting upset at the question, be thankful they feel comfortable enough to ask you.
So how do we talk to teens? What is the best way? Before you even approach your child:
- Educate yourself. How can you expect to communicate with your children if you don ‘t know the subject material itself? Research the different birth control methods and sexually transmitted infections. Make sure you know what you're talking about with them.
- Determine your own values. How do you really feel about sex? Would you be okay with your fifteen-year old son having sex? If your daughter became pregnant her senior year, would you want her to continue the pregnancy or have an abortion? Are you cool with your children using birth control? You need to know where you stand on these issues and what your values are when it comes to sex. Your opinion is important and a place in the conversation.
- Evaluate your parents' "talk." How did your parents teach you about sex? Was it effective? What would you change?
The best way to have "The Talk" is to instead have "the talks." Have them early and often. Start communicating when your children are young, so that they grow up knowing they can come to you. I'm not telling you to explain Syphilis to your toddler; you can determine what is appropriate for different age levels. But the more "talks" you have, the less awkward it will be.
Don't be afraid to give your opinion to your child. If you think he or she is too young to have sex, say it. They may not admit it, but teens value their parents' opinions. They may not agree and they may not follow it, but it's important for them to know where their parents stand on these issues.
This may seem obvious to some, but speak with your sons too. Many times we speak with the girls about not getting pregnant and abstaining from sex. A lot of parents just assume their teenage sons will have sex and there's nothing they can do about it. Young men need sexual education and communication as much as the women do.
Most importantly, give your teens other options. Get them involved with sports or clubs. Help them find something they love and that interests them. If a teen can see better options for their future than early pregnancy, they have a better chance of either abstaining or practicing safe sex. Show them how much potential they have and how much they have to offer through other channels than parenthood.
And as always, honesty is the best policy. Be open with your children and try to not judge too quickly. If the conversation is really awkward for you, tell them. Chances are they are feeling it too. And be proud of yourself. By having these conversations with your children, you're a step ahead of a lot of parents around you.
Want to hear from a reproductive health advocate who has walked the talk on sexuality education as a parent to her teen daughter? Read Tamar Abrams's post, "Bringing Comprehensive Sex Ed Home."
