Welcome back to Get Real!, Scarleteen's Q&A column on RH Reality Check! Get Real! is a sex-ed advice column for teens that reminds us all to never forget our "first" - real sex-ed that is! Scarleteen is the web’s most popular source for young adult sex education. RH Reality Check is thrilled to partner with Scarleteen to feature its founder, the queen of the Q&A, Heather Corinna, in this regular bimonthly column for young people, their parents and professional sexual and reproductive health advocates.
If you’re a teen needing answers to your questions about sex, sexuality, dating, or your sexual health, this is the column for you! And if you’ve got your own questions that need answers or you just want to engage with others your own age on these issues, head over to Scarleteen’s message boards! RH Reality Check cannot accept any questions for Heather or Scarleteen’s fine volunteer staff so please visit Scarleteen for more information.
Ronnie asks:
I'm afraid my girlfriend may still be loving her ex-boyfriend who broke her virginity. She has always proved that she loves me but I'm not convinced, even though she says she doesn't have feelings for him anymore. Is it true that ladies always have permanent feelings for men they first had sex with?
Heather replies:
No, it isn't. It's not always true for men either, nor is there a sound reason why it would be more true for women than it would be for men. As well, if women have a female first sex partner, or men a male first sex partner, there also is no golden rule or given about if any of us will have long-lasting feelings of any kind for that person or not.
Let me clarify that: any of us, whether we have sex with someone we dated or not, whether if we did that was our first partner or not, may still have feelings for an ex in some way. We may even develop a new kind of relationship with that person and become platonic friends, instead.
For instance, I'm friends with most of my exes where relationships were serious or longer-term (and also with some people I saw very briefly, but where we determined early that while dating wasn't a good fit for us, friendship was), and while those feelings aren't romantic anymore for us, we value the new kind of relationship we have. We want to know, now and then -- and sometimes regularly, like you would with other friends -- how both of us are doing, what's new in our lives, and that we're both doing well because we care about one another. On the other hand, I have no idea what became of my first sexual partner for intercourse, and I have to say that I don't even think about him all that often: maybe once every few years at a maximum. That's not because I didn't care about that person, but rather because our relationship wasn't that long-lasting and we didn't really create the kind of bond in other areas of our relationship that tend to result in a sustained love, romantic or otherwise.
Having intercourse for the first time together alone -- or at any time, with anyone -- can't magically create a bond all by itself. The bonds we make with people really aren't about our bodies, but about our hearts and minds. Sex is one way to express our feelings physically while sharing pleasure, and can be one way to express or deepen our emotional intimacy, but it's still not the sex itself that creates an emotional bond. Sure, we might look back at certain sexual relationships or sex with other partners and remember that sex fondly (or not-so-fondly). We might even file times with someone else in our mental best-sex-so-far files. But that doesn't make sex after that with others somehow less important or rewarding, nor does it mean that we can't have sexual relationships afterwards which are of equal or greater importance.
Some of what you're thinking comes from the idea that first intercourse or any intercourse is The Big Deal for women (and not for men). By all means, sometimes it is...but just as often, it isn't, for men and women alike. And don't forget that for a majority of women, vaginal intercourse, the first time or the 301st time, often isn't very satisfying all by itself, physically or emotionally. We can pretty safely say, looking at history, that most of the people who propagated the idea that vaginal intercourse or first-time intercourse IS a huge deal for women and women alone have not even been women, but men, and not men making any effort to accurately represent women, either. In many cases, spreading that idea around was motivated by some pretty cruddy stuff, like a desire to claim ownership of women or our bodies, or a want for women to feel like a sexual activity which men more often enjoy than we do HAD to be something equally important to us so that we'd be more willing to do it with them or only within the structures and conditions men wanted (and sometimes still want) us to have intercourse in.
If you want to know how women feel about something, ask women. And if you want to know how one woman feels, ask her.
You already have a woman telling you, with her own words, how she feels. What she has to say about it should take precedence over what you suspect or what anyone else -- including me -- would tell you. She's the expert here, and she's telling you she doesn't have feelings for this guy anymore and that she loves you. To really love her back, you've got to accept that love, trust her and you've also got to have what she expresses to you about her feelings be meaningful without second-guessing her based on what I suspect, are probably your own insecurities and your own lack of trust. In other words, it sounds like her previous partner isn't someone she still has strong feelings for or about: you're the one with all the investment in this guy.
It might also be helpful if you try not to think of her virginity as being "broken." Having any kind of sex doesn't break us in any way. If we choose to share sex with someone, we're choosing to share sex with someone, not passively giving them some gift, some part of ourselves we can never reclaim, or allowing them some kind of way of marking us or having ownership of us or our sexuality by "breaking" our bodies. You might even consider if thinking about things this way is really all that loving or respectful when it comes to women, and consider adjusting your thinking so that you and your girlfriend can experience love and sex together in a way that's most healthy and more loving than you have so far.
How important the relationship the two of you have is is about the two of you and the quality of that relationship. It's not about anyone's past relationships, nor is it about the sex either of you may have had in the past. It's about what you and she make and have together, right now. If you've got something good here, I'd encourage you to do yourself a favor and focus on the present, rather than dwelling on the past. If you invest your time and energy in who she was with before sexually, instead of cherishing the fact that this girl loves you right now and really loving her back, it might not be the ex that causes you both to miss out on some real, big love, but your own choice not to trust it and let this relationship -- not her previous one -- be the one that's important for you both now.
I'm tossing you a few links which I hope can help you resolve this so that you can move on from her previous relationship in the same way it seems she already has.
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I'm a 13 year old girl and HATE being a GIRL. I have the mind strength hands feet and hairiness of a boy but still have the body of a girl complete with boobs. Is there something wrong with me wanting to be a boy?
Heather answers:
There are a couple of common reasons why someone might hate being a girl: you might hate it for one of them, or you might hate it for all of them. Regardless, you get to feel however you feel and there's nothing patently abnormal or wrong about being uncomfortable with your own sex or your gender, be it for a little while, or even full-stop.
The most common reason, by far, why girls can hate being girls is because the world that we live in is generally constructed in such a way that women are positioned to be lesser and/or feel lesser. (In fact, it's a pretty good illustration of that when anyone talks about having the "strength" of a man, since men and women, by sex alone, are equally strong: our physical strength just often can have different centers of gravity...but not always!) Many of us are told -- either outright, or just by the messages we see and hear more subtly -- that it's better to be a boy than a girl, better to be male than female. There are also specific burdens most girls and women in culture carry which boys and men do not (and vice-versa).
Too, a lot of the time, when we go through puberty -- and this can be the case for both boys and girls -- and our bodies start to become more gendered, and our sex becomes more obvious, it's typical to feel uncomfortable with the extra attention our bodies and our identities as defined by biological sex can get, especially if certain or traditional gender roles ascribed to us aren't roles we like, want or are comfortable with. A common term for a person, of any sex or gender, who doesn't feel comfortable with their gender is gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is especially common at the age you're at right now, so this might be something that will change and feel better with time.
A less common reason someone biologically sexed as a girl may be less comfortable being a girl, or want to be a boy is because that person may be intersex or transgendered: in those cases, gender dysphoria may not go away in time or feel better over time if that person is trying to be a gender that they either simply are not, or do not feel they are.
An intersex person isn't biologically female (XX) or male (XY) but instead, has a different combination of chromosomes, like XXY, XO, XXX, XYY or other variations Sometimes, a given variation of chromosomes can result in an intersex person feeling more like the "opposite" sex, but at other times, an intersex person may not feel male OR female: too, sometimes, intersex people don't feel any different at all. Some intersexed people will need medical treatment: others will not. Some will look different in some ways than other people, most others will not. A person can get a test from their doctor to determine if they are intersex or not.
Transgender is a term for people who are usually (though some can also be intersex: one doesn't have to be XX or XY to be transgender) biologically male or female -- XX or XY -- but who do not feel like the gender that "matches" that sex, but like the opposite gender. There are an awful lot of theories as to why some people (and it's tough to estimate how many people are, but it's usually estimated at a maximum of one in every 2,000 people, and a minimum of one in every 10,000 people) are transgender, so right now, no one has any one reason why, but what we can say for sure is that some people ARE transgender and gender dysphoric, and probably not just because of cultural gender roles or sexism (though that can certainly make being transgender even more uncomfortable).
I want to also mention that things like hands, feet, hairiness and the makeup of our mind and personality aren't just or at all determined by our biological sex. Certainly, for instance, overall, men as a group tend to have more body hair than women as a group, but at the same time, there are some women who are hairier than men and some men who are virtually hairless, and both of these variations are normal. And what our mind is like -- the way we think, what we think about, what we like, what skills we have -- really is not, so far as data has shown us so far -- about our gender or biological sex, period.
The real issue right now with you as I see it is that you're feeling really uncomfortable in your own skin, and obviously, that can cause some real stress, suffering and agony.
So, what I'd suggest is just thinking about these things a little, seeing which of them ring true for you, and then seeking out some good support or counseling if you still feel so uncomfortable and/or like you don't want to wait this out a little bit and see how you feel in time. There are some counselors who specialize in gender issues and dysphoria, but this is also something you could address with a lot of general counselors, or if you have a doctor or nurse who you like and trust.
You might also want to hop over to your local bookstore or library and check out some books on gender identity and/or intersex/transgender to help you get a better read on how you're feeling exactly so that you can figure out what exactly you need most right now to help you feel better. Kate Bornstein's My Gender Workbook is one I'd very enthusiastically recommend (and Kate is transgender herself, so she gets it, big time). Dr. Anne Fausto-Sterling's work with biological sex and gender is also really illuminating, and you can read all about it in her book, Sexing the Body. You might also look into some books about dealing with puberty, since, as I mentioned, it's really typical to feel this way when your body and brain are changing uncontrollably every fifteen minutes.
I do hope that you know that no matter what the case is here, whatever gender identity feels best to you, and feels the most true to you is okay.
What's most important isn't having a gender identity that "matches" your biological sex, or one which everyone else thinks is best, but having one that feels best to YOU and most authentic for you. So, I'd advise you in exploring your feelings on this to do what you can to accept that whoever you are is whoever you are, and to put your heart and energy in finding out who that is, even if you don't think it's what others would agree is right. It's really no one's place to decide on gender and gender roles for anyone but ourselves, and none of us can ever determine what the 'right" identity or set of feelings about gender is for anyone else.
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I am 28 years old and got married four months ago. Both my husband (29 years old) and I were not virgins before marriage and had both been with two other people before we started dating each other. We made the mutual decision to abstain from intercourse until marriage for religious reasons and to be "right with God" this go around. We dated for two years by the date of our wedding. During that time we would engage in foreplay, oral sex and we enjoyed that. I always wanted to fool around more than him and I made that known while we were dating, but he would always say that it was too difficult to get that worked up and have to stop. I had to agree, so I learned to become patient.
As the relationship went on and we got engaged a year and a half in, during our six month engagement we started having less and less foreplay. As our wedding day approached I became increasingly more excited about FINALLY being able to have guilt free, passionate, fun sex. I would say things like, "I can't wait!" and "how often do you think we'll have sex?" and "We will be able to have sex anywhere in the house and anytime we want" etc. I intentionally said this to express how excited I was about having sex finally. He would respond that he was looking forward to it too but that he didn't know how often we would because he couldn't make statements about part of our relationship that didn't exist yet. He would even get uncomfortable when I would talk about orgasms, something that I've only had real success with achieving with the aid of a vibrator. So the wedding night came and there was no passion, no romance, no "making love" just sex. I thought at least he would take me out of my beautiful dress, NO he just stripped and hopped into the shower, then wanted to have sex in the shower for the first time, not my vision of my wedding night I'd waited for for two years. The honeymoon was the same. When we do have sex it lasts about 5 min. We've never had spontaneous sex or morning sex or after a fight sex.
He says now he's just not that sexual of a person and I feel betrayed and let down that he didn't express this before we promised to spend the rest of our lives together. He has trouble getting and sometimes keeping an erection and I become frustrated when he turns me down for sex. I've heard of girls not being interested in sex, but never a guy. He just is not into spontaneous, passionate, fun, sex. I'm not even sure he knows the difference. I have had great sex in the past, the kind I can't wait for, but with my husband, it's not exciting and he doesn't even get turned on by sexy lingerie. He is not interested in going to the doctor to take something for his occasional impotence. At best we have sex once a week. I was expecting that "newlywed sex" like rabbits that everyone seems to talk about, is that just a myth? Please help!
Heather answers:
Everyone's libido varies, as does everyone's sexuality.
In other words, the sexual appetite of a person isn't determined by their biological sex or gender. Some women have lower libidos than some men; some men have lower libidos than some women. Too, these things also vary based on the specific two people involved and their relationship dynamics, and also on the kinds of sex each partner prefers. It should also be said that not everyone has the same turn-ons. You say even your "sexy lingerie" isn't doing the trick, but it's entirely possible that he's not a sexy lingerie kind of guy -- that wedding night, maybe the reason he didn't make a to-do with the dress and the wedding clothes was because he's a back-to-basics, better-naked-and-clean-faced guy in his sexual tastes.
(If it's any consolation, most wedding night sex stories I've heard in the years I've done this work have not met anyone's fantasies. Plenty of couples are so tired, they don't even HAVE wedding-night sex, and wind up having sex in the morning or a couple days later. Weddings are often stressful and tiring for a lot of people, and the pressures to have out-of-a-romance-novel wedding-night sex are pretty overwhelming, and in and of themselves, could issue a sexual buzzkill for just about anyone.)
Looking at what you've said here, I'd say -- and obviously, I have the gift of hindsight you couldn't have had at the start -- that it seems somewhat clear that your partner has always had a lower libido than you have, and was less comfortable with sexuality than you are, so that these things are still issues doesn't strike me as surprising. It also sounded like he did try and make that clear, but that he wasn't all that direct about it, either. Marriage isn't likely -- when it's new or otherwise -- to change someone's sexuality, libido or sexual feelings, even if one reason someone was abstaining was due to religious ideals about premarital sex. Too, for couples who live together -- married or no -- sex once a week is not an unusual pattern. Sounds to me like you have some fairly large personality/character differences when it comes to how you feel about sex
Not knowing anything about his history, he may have issues and problems when it comes to sex that he hasn't let you in on, or hasn't felt able to voice yet. Just like the pressures for women to acquiesce to sex can be intense, so can the pressures for men to perform. It can be tough for men with lower libidos sometimes to voice that because ideas of masculinity can be so wrapped up in sexual performance and appetite: if you're constantly initiating sex before he has that chance to, even that -- reasonable or not -- can create some masculinity problems for some men. While there's no reason for you NOT to have voiced all your excitement about finally having intercourse and other sex once married, and you didn't do a thing wrong in doing so, that also may have inadvertently exerted pressures on him that he didn't know how to address, and still does not.
I'm not seeing any reason for him to see a medical doctor. This is unlikely a medical problem: in younger people, it's very rare that it is, and when someone isn't getting an erection because they're not interested in sex, that's not a sound reason to medicate them. Medications like Viagra and Cialis are intended for men for whom lack of erection is a physiological problem, due to things like aging or the effects of diabetes. They're not intended to be used for men whose partners simply want more sex than they do. (And I think it's perhaps worth looking at what that might sound like were the shoe on the other foot: I know you don't mean anything awful by any of this, and again, there certainly is more pressure on women to have obligatory sex, or as much sex as their male partner wants, but it's a raw deal for everyone when that's the case, men or women.)
However, I am seeing that you two would likely benefit from some couples counseling.
Obviously, you're really unhappy about this, which is totally understandable and valid. Clearly, he's not feeling that great about it, either. The more frustrated you get with each other, on top of the divide that's already there, the tougher this is going to get, and the more sex is going to seem like a giant drag. If you're not handling sexual rejection well, for instance, he's likely going to feel more and more uncomfortable saying no, and going to feel more and more dread when it comes time for sex. But you're also clearly a very passionate person, a very sensual person, who has a part of you that you need to express and enjoy -- but you can't with your partner, and that's going to have ill effects on you over time, as well. Obviously, too, when sex doesn't feel like intimacy, and if it's not even lasting long enough, or including sexual activities for both partners to feel satisfied, that's a very real problem, both for the individuals involved and for the relationship (but I don't really need to tell you that, I know). Talking a lot of this out with a mediator may very well help both of you both be heard and understand each other: it's possible that with a little more talking and understanding -- OUTSIDE the bedroom -- you might be able to build a bridge here so that both of your needs are met better.
Talking it out with a counselor will also help you two to get talking about it, period. I can't tell from what you've written here if you've really talked about this in depth, with both of you honestly and openly exploring these issues, but it doesn't sound like you have. Even with your desires for your wedding night, did you voice any of them ahead of time: did you verbally share those fantasies with him? If you didn't expecting him to act in line with them wasn't so realistic an expectation. Solid, open communication is really THE big thing that leads to satisfying sex between people: without it, even otherwise decent sex is going to be missing something crucial.
(I would, by the way, make a point of choosing that counselor carefully, and doing what you can to choose one that really is sensitive about sexuality issues and open-minded. If you pick someone with very traditional ideas about sex, marriage and gender, counseling may be unlikely to help either of you. The last thing you both need is someone giving him the idea he's not being masculine enough, or giving you the idea that you don't get to have a libido at all.)
None of that is a promise that you two will wind up being sexually compatible, mind.
No one can make those kinds of promises. But for people who choose traditional marriage, part of the deal is that you're agreeing to stick things out through big challenges, work hard to work through problems, and find creative solutions, together. Part of the deal is also that sex is only one part of that relationship (and in many marriages, not a central part), and when you're choosing not to have sex until marriage (though from what I can gather, you did have plenty of sex, just not intercourse), part of THAT deal is that you are opting to go into that blind to some degree, and thus, likely face some surprises. So, I can't know or guarantee that counseling and talking things out over time will net the exact results that both of you want, especially if your wants and needs are very different. But what it can do is help you start working on it together more productively, with more understanding, so that you can really see what the issues are, know what you have to work with, and if you choose to stay together, find some creative solutions and compromises that will ideally leave you both feeling a lot better.
So, I'd suggest first opening the lines of communication here, with something as simple as a "Hey, I'm not happy about this, and I don't think you are either. But I'm committed to working it out, and I hope you are, too, so we really need to start talking about it, and I think we could use some help in doing that." If he's in agreement, then you both can start seeking out a couples counselor, and get started. If he's not in agreement, and/or he doesn't see any need to work on this, then I'm afraid you face a tougher situation, which is basically you needing to decide if this is a marriage that's going to work for you or not -- it's not just a matter of unsatisfying sex if he isn't willing to work this out, after all, it's about how committed he is to both of your needs and to foundational aspects of your relationship.
I'm leaving you with a couple of links, including a link to my book, that might help you out through this (and be good to share with him), but also with the strong suggestion that you do seek out that counseling -- even if he isn't willing, I think you could use the ear and the support all by yourself as you figure all of this out and consider your choices.
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Welcome to Get Real!, Scarleteen's Q&A column on RH Reality Check! Get Real! is a sex-ed advice column for teens that reminds us all to never forget our "first" - real sex-ed that is! Scarleteen is the web’s most popular source for young adult sex education. RH Reality Check is thrilled to partner with Scarleteen to feature its founder, the queen of the Q&A, Heather Corinna, in this new bimonthly column for young people, their parents and professional sexual and reproductive health advocates.
If you’re a teen needing answers to your questions about sex, sexuality, dating, or your sexual health, this is the column for you! And if you’ve got your own questions that need answers or you just want to engage with others your own age on these issues, head over to Scarleteen’s message boards! RH Reality Check cannot accept any questions for Heather or Scarleteen’s fine volunteer staff so please visit Scarleteen for more information.
This week, in honor of Sexual Assault Awareness Month, Heather answers questions from a young woman who was forced to have sex.
Worried asks:
I was forced to have sex a few days ago and I'm worried I could have caught something. I have this itch that feels like it's on the walls of my vagina and I can't scratch it because, obviously, it's internal and I don't wanna make myself bleed. Does any infection have symptoms of an itch like that?
My boyfriend decided to take my virginity by force but can I call it rape? He is my boyfriend, but I didn't think I was ready for sex and he pushed it on me that night with a guilt trip. Please help.
Heather answers:
Worried: there's no one kind of person, or kind of role, that gives someone a free pass to have sex on us or to us when it isn't what we want. If a husband forces or coerces his wife into sex when sex is not what she wants, it's not consensual, and it is then a sexual abuse or an assault: a rape. If a boyfriend forces or coerces his girlfriend into sex when sex is not what she wants, it's not consensual, and it is then a sexual abuse or an assault: a rape.
Most rapes occur with people a victim knows, be they an acquaintance, a friend, a family member, a neighbor or an intimate partner, like a boyfriend or spouse. The idea that rape is only about strangers is flawed: that happens too, but it's actually far less common than rape with a rapist known, and often well-known. So, your boyfriend doesn't get a pass here, and if you felt you were forced to engage in something sexual, it doesn't make sense to call it sex, because sex is something two people willingly share together -- not something one person does to the other against their will. A healthy partner for you (for anyone) will not enjoy any kind of sex unless the other person is also willing, also very much wants to have sex of any kind, and is also enjoying themselves, physically and emotionally. A healthy partner who cares for and respects you won't guilt-trip another person into sex or force them into sex because they'll know that is not going to result in their partner feeling good, during or afterwards, and someone who cares about you wants you to feel good: you being upset will make them upset, rather than being something they can dismiss to serve their own needs.
I would encourage you to separate yourself from this boyfriend, or at the very least, to avoid being alone with him. This isn't someone safe for you when it comes to sex, and it's likely also not someone healthy for you overall. Anyone who would force or coerce you into sex isn't someone who truly cares for you or who views you with a basic, human respect. And someone who will do that once will very likely do it again. I know that it's really hard to face the fact that someone you cared for would do you harm, easy to try to rationalize away or deny (because no one wants to believe a boyfriend would harm them), and it's going to take some work and support to deal with this and work through it for yourself, but what's most important, before anything else, is being sure that you get yourself out of harm's way.
As far as your symptoms go, while some sexually transmitted infections can cause feelings of itching, STIs don't tend to manifest symptoms quite that quickly. But Trichomoniasis, for instance, is one of the most common STIs in young adults, and when there are symptoms -- many STIs don't show obvious symptoms for many people at any point -- itching is among them. You may also have a yeast infection which is unrelated to this incident, but which was exascerbated because of forced or unwanted sex -- when we're unaroused or not lubricated, intercourse certainly can irritate our genitals. Or, you may be just feeling itchy because of general genital irritation.
Either way, you'd be smart to go ahead and get seen by a sexual healthcare provider. If the sex was unprotected, you can guard against unwanted pregnancy with emergency contraception: it can be used up to 120 hours, or five days, after a risk. Condom or no condom, you'll also want a full screening for STIs simply because this did happen, so those risks are present, and given you're having a symptom, I'd get screened just to find out what it is and if you need treatment early. Even a simple yeast infection is something you'll need to treat, and you'd want to: no one wants to be itching like that, it's uncomfortable. You can get that care either through your general care physician, through a private gynecologist, or at a public general or sexual health clinic.
Lastly, this does sound like something you could choose to report as a crime if that is something you wanted to. You could do that in your sexual healthcare provider's office or at a police station. If you're not sure what you want in that regard, or just need some one-on-one support, I highly recommend using the resources RAINN can provide, by phone or online. You can get someone to talk to there, as well as referrals to support or reporting resources local to you. You can get in touch with them by phone at 1-800-656-HOPE or online here.
Here are a few extra links for you:
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Welcome to Get Real!, Scarleteen's Q&A column on RH Reality Check! Get Real! is a sex-ed advice column for teens that reminds us all to never forget our "first" - real sex-ed that is! It’s not easy being a teen today – especially when it comes to getting straight answers to your questions about sex and sexuality from adults. There is a lot of noise - mixed messages galore from MTV to movies, fashion mags to favorite web sites. Who do you listen to? How do you find the facts you need to make healthy decisions that feel right for you? Scarleteen is the web’s most popular source for young adult sex education. RH Reality Check is thrilled to partner with Scarleteen to feature its founder, the queen of the Q&A, Heather Corinna, in this new bimonthly column for young people, their parents and professional sexual and reproductive health advocates.
If you’re a teen needing answers to your questions about sex, sexuality, dating, or your sexual health, this is the column for you! And if you’ve got your own questions that need answers or you just want to engage with others your own age on these issues, head over to Scarleteen’s message boards! RH Reality Check cannot accept any questions for Heather or Scarleteen’s fine volunteer staff so please visit Scarleteen for more information.
"He Wants To Have Sex, But I Want Him To Ask Me Out!"
Shaneeqa asks:
I'm 14 yrs old and this boy that I have been fooling around with, asked me if I would ever have sex with him. I do but I don't. If we use a condom, is there a high risk of getting pregnant? I also really like him alot. I just wish he would ask me out. Another question of mine is that, how can I bring up the matter of him asking me out?
Heather answers:
You know, in general, asking a person out comes BEFORE asking them to have sex with you.
If he's only doing the one, it's pretty safe to assume he's got little or no interest in asking you out, as much as that might suck. He's expressed his interest: it's sex. And if you've interest in having a boyfriend, and his only interest is in having someone to have sex with, that's a recipe for disaster when it comes to your self worth and your heart.
I'd suggest talking about you wanting to be asked out before talking any more about his desire to have sex. I'd also point out to you, and suggest you point out to him, that for the most part -- especially when you're young and not interested in or ready for things like one-night-stands -- there are a lot more steps involved before you have sex with someone.
There are physical steps: vaginal intercourse all by itself poses big risks of pregnancy and STIs, especially to women, and it also isn't often very enjoyable for women all by itself. To boot, before you leap twenty paces forward to something like intercourse, any two people often need a lot more practice with other things to establish a basis of communication, as well as an understanding, over time, of each other's bodies, limits and boundaries. Needless to say, it can be awfully hard to sit and discuss the things you need to with a sex partner -- things like birth control, sexually transmitted infections, boundaries and how the two of you might deal with negative consequences -- right off the bat. Again, these are things that take time.
If you've already been "fooling around," but can't even connect well enough to be able to ask for a date, there's a big problem there. If you can't talk about that, I'm willing to bet you haven't been talking very much about anything, and when it comes to sex, that's yet another recipe for disaster.
What a healthy sexual relationship also requires is some degree of emotional investment, particularly when you're young, and that's something that someone who says "Want to have sex?" before they say "Want to have coffee?" doesn't likely have going.
There are emotional and interpersonal steps to all of this, too, like the other person caring just as much about your wants and needs as their own, and you feeling safe with them, trusting them, and being in a position where you can be open and honest with them, even when it's awkward. Is this the guy who, if he starts to have intercourse with you and it hurts, you'll be able to ask to stop, and he will, with no argument? The guy who you won't feel embarrassed around if there's a bit of blood, or if you accidentally fart during sex? The guy who makes you feel awesome about yourself and your body? The guy who you can easily ask to pay more attention to your clitoris, or tell you didn't reach orgasm from intercourse, so ask for a little more of something else? The guy who is going to snuggle the heck out of you afterwards -- without you asking him to -- and make you feel okay if the experience of sex freaks you out or makes you feel insecure? The guy who is going to keep what you do private, rather than telling a lot of friends afterwards, and leaving you to deal with social fallout without having your back? The guy you can call in tears for comfort if your folks find out you had sex and blow a gasket? Doesn't sound like it.
It's sounding to me like you might have fallen into something plenty of folks do, which is the idea that if you just give the guy the sex that he wants for long enough, that eventually he'll give you what YOU want in terms of, say, a simple date, or behaving like more of a partner than someone who just shows up to get his own sexual needs fulfilled.
The thing with that is that end result rarely happens.
Sex doesn't "earn" anyone a romance or a boyfriend or girlfriend, and when all someone wants from you is sex, and you're giving it to them, there's no need for them to adjust anything on their part. See what I mean? It's also pretty ooky to think of sex in any way as something to barter or try and exchange for love or romantic interest: someone who has that interest in you isn't someone you'll need to do anything for to get it.
Really, I'd put the brakes on and look at and talk about all these things WAY before you start talking intercourse. If he is a good guy, then talk about him not asking you out as in "I'd like to go out together and have you show some interest in that, not just have sex or talk about sex," -- or take the step and ask HIM out: you've been taking bigger emotional risks than that already, after all. And if you can't face the possible rejection or emotional risk in terms of just asking the guy out, I can say that you absolutely are not ready to be having any kind of sex with him, intercourse or otherwise.
I'd also prepare yourself a little for some possible disappointment: he may well have no interest in anything other than sex, or, in order to get the sex he wants, may agree to dates or boyfriend-status that he really isn't that interested in. Trust your gut.
Bear in mind that "I do but I don't" is a very good reason NOT to do something sexual: when you're going to have any kind of sex, it feels like a big, loud, giant DO, with no maybes or don'ts in there. You should want to do it 100%.
When you are at that point in your life, condoms, when used properly (on from start to finish, used with a bottle of extra lubricant nearby, etc.) and consistently (as in, ALL the time, every time), are a good method of birth control, and essential for STI protection -- if you've been giving him oral sex without using them, know that you'll want to stop doing that and also get an STI screening: that presents infection risks. They don't protect you 100% -- a risk of pregnancy and STIs does still exist, but they reduce those risks dramatically. However, again, given they don't provide 100% protection, and you're so young, if you're going to have sex with someone, you're going to need to have some serious discussions about sexual health and how you might manage an accidental pregnancy first.
Really? I'll be honest: I'm not a psychic, but I have had this job for a really long time now, and I tend to have a good read with people's questions. And from what I can gather from yours -- and I get a lot of questions like yours, especially from very young women -- this guy not only isn't likely a good guy for you to be having sex with, but he's not likely a good guy for you to be fooling around with, either. You're stepping right up and giving him everything he seems to want, but he's not doing, and isn't likely to do, the same for you. I also don't hear YOU that excited about any of this, save for the hope he might ask you out, and that's just a cruddy deal, sister.
So, I'd suggest you move on, and you wait for the kind of relationship you want, where "Do you want to go out?" comes before "How about a blow job?" There's just no good reason for you to be settling for something that isn't what you want, especially when the risks for you are so high, to body and heart. You deserve exactly what you want and need, and no less.
Here are a few links for you to walk away with, including a checklist about sexual readiness in case you decide to keep considering this with this guy, anyway. As you know, these things are up to you, but at least do yourself the favor of considering them with all the information you need to know about what's at stake, for real.
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